6/9/2009

Dear LiliBug -

What a week!

A few days ago, we had 3 straight days averaging at least 2 ginormous temper tantrums a day, which is so out of character for you. Saying no and not buying you toys and not giving you a snack and making you take a nap... all things you used to be very good about, became like mine fields in this house. I had my first experience with you of having to actually leave a store because of your tears & screaming. I didn't know what to do with myself. It seems late in life for you to be going through this phase. (Ha! Listen to me... I can't wait until you're 13...).

However - the hidden blessing is that you are much older and so getting through the tantrums is actually feasible using logic and bartering. When you were losing it because I refused to buy you a toy, I told you that I would get it for you if we could throw away all of your My Little Ponys first. That shut you right up. And after about 3 minutes of quiet sobbing in the stroller as I walked home, you turned to me with a big grin, a tear running down your cheek, and said, "I'm happy now, Mommy! I'm not cranky anymore." I smiled and said, "Good. Can you apologize now for not being nice?" You nodded and said, "Sorry I screamed." You really do try hard to be a good girl. That's why I think I'm able to maintain my cool during the rough patches because I recognize them as out-of-the-ordinary.


You are a wonderful little helper. You even grab dirty diapers and puke-soaked burp cloths whenever I need them. And the other day, I asked you to keep an eye on Cecily while I showered. When I came out of the bathroom, she was laughing hysterically as you were making faces at her and giving her "zerbits" on her neck.

So cute I could hardly stand it!

You really do love your family. While you are fond of Cecily for most of the day, you get really excited to see her after her nap when Daddy is home, as if you feel complete. You like to count us and say, "We are a family! We are 4! We are all of us!"


You have been going through this thing where, after we tuck you in and say good night, you call to us every five minutes needing a drink, or to be tucked in, or to fix a fingernail, etc. However, you've finally stopped doing that (*knock on wood*) and in the morning, when I come to wake you, the first thing you say is, "I didn't call for you! I just waited and didn't call!" You pride yourself on being obedient.

My favorite times of the day are when you get hit with a brief (very brief) moment of calm and drag your blanket over to me and snuggle up. It rarely lasts even a minute, but I love how you bury your face in my chest and close your eyes and rub your hand over the bumps on blankie. We sit there, quiet & content. I am reminded, in those moments, that you still love me more then anyone else in this world, and I am flattered because you are a phenomenal child.

Love, Momma

Dear CCLemon-

As of yesterday, you are now 1/2 a year old. I've heard people talking about how time flies... and I have truly gained a perspective of that with you. The first few weeks of your life felt almost painfully long, but that wasn't your fault. We like to blame Mommy's hormonal imbalance on that one (look it up - you'll understand some day). I pray every single day that how I was feeling and behaving in those first precious weeks of your life will not forever influence or scar you. I desperately hope you will remember the moments I was strong and loving - the moments I held you close & tender despite my tears; the moments I nursed you affectionately and stroked your perfect little head; the moments I used every ounce of energy in me to just get a glimpse of those first smiles. I pray that those will have more of a lasting impression on you than any of those moments I'm not too proud of... when I wasn't me. When I was someone else. Who I really am absolutely adores & loves you. I am saddened when I think that you began your life with someone else as your mother. I am trying my best to make it up to you.


That's probably why I am constantly holding & snuggling you now and responding immediately whenever you fuss... & now that you are 6 months old, you know this and are taking total advantage of it. Yesterday, before bedtime, I handed you off to your father so that I could gather some things in your room in preparation. In the beginning, you adored your father. I thought you were going to be a Daddy's girl 100%. But the resistance you showed him at me handing you off testified otherwise. Poor Daddy. He lives with 3 incredibly strong-willed women. I thought he might get a break from it when you came along, appearing fairly laid back. Apparently the genetics of my ridiculous personality are a dominant trait.... sorry, Daddy.

While you definitely have your moments, CC, you are still a fairly lax kid. Amid the "I want attention!" high-pitched scream, the "hold me now!" fussing, and the wail of "I just rolled over & don't know how to get back!", you still sit contentedly and quietly on mine or daddy's lap when we need it most, chewing away on your fingers. That was something we never experienced in the 1st 6 months of your big sister's life. So thanks for that.

Speaking of your big sister, you are finally starting to be amused by her. You still frequent the expression of "who are you & why are you always in my face?!", but she is able to garner the occasional smile & even laugh from you. It melts my heart to see that sisterly bond slowly beginning to materialize.


You're still as chubby as ever. And while I've given you the occasional solids, you are still fairly content with just nursing. And because I was so relieved that nursing has been a success with you, I am still willing to come to you once in the night, in the wee hours of the morning, to nurse you. This'll change soon, just so you know. But for now, I relish that quiet time with just you & me. There just aren't enough of those moments for us... it's the curse of being a younger sibling.


You cut teeth on Memorial Day. Both of your bottom front two. And they are DEADLY! You have actually bitten me a few times too many. At first, I would pull you away and say "NO!" as sternly as I can, but you would just look at me quizzically, and then grin. So then, one time, I tapped you on the head, which startled you, and pretty much just upset you. Finally, a friend suggested that I tap my finger on your mouth and say "no" so that you could actually put 2 and 2 together. Duh, Mommy. That seemed to finally work. (Thank the heavens, above! You actually caused me to bleed once)!

You are slowly catching onto the sitting thing. I can't really leave you to do it on your own, yet, but at least I am able to prop you in between my legs with confidence in order to free my hands. You've pretty much mastered rolling over, which is good, because for about 2 weeks there, you were trying to practice at nap time and your schedule was all OVER the place! You smile & laugh easily, even if you're crying. I know this may sound cruel & sad, but sometimes, I'll toss you in the air (which you HATE) just to see you make that adorable sad pout of yours and then I'll tickle your thighs. This causes you to go back-&-forth between crying and giggling. It's so funny (and I'm sorry if I'm traumatizing you... but sometimes I use my children for entertainment. Sorry).


You still spit-up like a chronic bulimic and it's getting frustrating because I thought by now I could at least average only 2 outfits a day for both of us. I suppose I could go back to putting you on medication for acid reflux like you'd been on when you were brand new, but it didn't seem to help, so, I am sorry if you're at all uncomfortable... however, you seem fairly content and I'm just not a big fan of pumping my kids bodies with medication. We'll get through it. I just don't know if our laundry will...

I look forward to the next 6 months, beautiful child. You bring me more joy than I could've imagined and completely vanquished all fears of me not loving you like I do your sister. My heart is full because of you. You've taught me how much love I really am capable of.

Love, Mommy

"Once Upon A Time..."

One of Malia's favorite times of the day is just before bedtime when we read her a book or two. In the last few months, she more frequently requests "Once Upon a Time"s which are basically stories I make up that always begin with that phrase & end in "The. End."

Before Cecily's nap, we always sing a lullaby, but if she's seems a little wound up, we stretch out the downtime by quietly reading her a book. Sometimes Malia likes to help & asks if she can tell Cecily a "Once Upon a Time" instead.

Today, it went a little something like this:

Once upon a time I was riding a bubble in da' sky and it flyed up to heaven to see Heavenly Fahder. He gave me a big hug & said, "I love you so, so, so! much." And den I saw Jesus & He was nice. And I loved Him. And He was adorable! And He was soooooooo cute. And Cecily comed to heaven too and she had her paci and she didn't cry because there were lots & lots of uder babies & because I loved dem & Jesus loved dem & Heavenly Fahder loved dem...

The story then evolved into something about dinosaurs, Sponge Bob, & Ponyville. But up until then I thought it was a pretty inspired little tale from a 3-year-old.

You don't always "Celebrate" an Anniversary

It was a year ago, today, that a peer of mine from college went through something I could never (would never want to) possibly imagine. When her little girl passed away, I was devastated and also somewhat taken aback at how much I was affected by it. I think part of it was because you never expect things like that to happen to people you actually know.

The other reason is because her little girl was very close to Malia's age and that made it a very tangible, painful reality for me.

This friend has been an inspiration in her strength as well as in her weak moments. She is honest about her pain, & anyone who knows me will know that I think that genuine humility and weakness is so much more beautiful than the facade so often found among some of the women in LDS culture.

She recently had a beautiful baby boy. If her little girl were still in this existence with us, then her 2 children would be very similar in age to my girls.

I'm hoping we can set a play date in the eternities.

I'm thinking of you today, Molly.

"Everyone Has Their 15 Minutes of Fame"

... although, I wouldn't exactly call it "fame." Just kind of cool.

When blogging first entered the world, I thought it was a trend I'd never care for (like myspace & texting). But once I tried it, I was pretty much hooked. What I really liked about it was the fact that I could brag about my family or vent my frustrations to the outside world &, once in a while, I'd get a little comment of affirmation & I felt... "alive" again. It can be hard to be a stay-at-home mom of small children and to still feel like you're at all contributing to society.

In my "early blogging days," I wrote a post about being a stay-at-home mom with a single income in Orange County in today's society of feminists and financial burdens. I was proud of this post, and became even more so when I started receiving comments from even strangers who were encouraged by my words.

Anyone who knows me well knows I am openly an avid Dr. Laura fan. (I know I just detoured. Hang in there. I'm going somewhere with this). She can be harsh. It's true. But the truth hurts and, in my opinion, some people need to hear it bluntly in order to finally make a change in their lives. I don't listen to her and think she's perfect. Oh, heavens no! But who is? I have always appreciated her as an ally in the principle that a mommy should stay home with her children in any way possible.

One day, she was bashing the Internet and the blogging world. I started to feel guilty as she made valid points about lack of privacy as well as people throwing caution to the wind whenever they posted entire albums of their children or their own swimsuit-clad bodies all over the world wide web. I felt defensive because I was truly enjoying blogging and facebook and was incredibly guilty of pridefully plastering my children's faces on the 'net.

I decided to e-mail her the post on my blog about being a stay-at-home mom so that I could enlighten her (Ha! Me trying to enlighten someone with a doctorate in psychology, a radio show, and 1/2 a dozen published NY Times Bestsellers under her belt). I attached an e-mail explaining to her that, while I agreed with her, at the same time, there is a good and bad to a lot of things these days, and that there was some good to blogging.

I never heard from her (this was 2 years ago) & I assumed my e-mail got lost in the millions....

A couple of weeks ago, a friend in the ward lent me Dr. Laura's new book about stay-at-home moms. This sister & I have occasionally chatted about the frustrations and blessings of our "careers" and she is really awesome about being a huge advocate for it. She's also amazing at serving others (even with 8 - yes, I said EIGHT! - kids at home). I've only gotten about 1/2-way through the book. I really don't read like I used to (who has the time?!).


Today, I cracked it open to a random page, simply just because. It opened to page 65. I hadn't gotten that far, yet. As I was about to turn the page back to where I had recently finished, some words in all caps caught my eye. "DON'T DISMISS ME!" it said. Something was familiar about that phrase... so I read the whole page.

She had quoted a paragraph from my blog in her book! And above it, she had written this:

"I love reading about the small but growing number of women who are brazenly tooting their own horns in celebration of their commitment to family."

She said I'm brazen! Seriously, the woman knows everything.

I felt like the coolest kid in school. Too bad there wasn't anyone around for me to brag to. And after a brief moment of, "Hey, do I get any residuals for this?" I really felt proud. Proud that my words were going to reach a few more people... even though no one will ever know it was me.

But I know it was me.

The Mothers in My Life

*Lisa*

When David was Malia's age, his biological parents divorced. Lisa is the blessing that came into his life through his father's second marriage. When I first met Lisa, she made me feel so at ease. I was nervous about the impression I would make on my future in-laws, but being around her, it's impossible not to feel totally welcomed.

Lisa has an incredible connection with children and animals. She loves them all and they, in turn, always adore her. She has a gentle disposition & a compassionate nature that draws everyone to her. I have described her to a few people as "without guile." And I've always sincerely meant that.

She's been through more challenges and trials in her life than any one person deserves. But she keeps her chin up and I've seen her give more for her children than many who's lives are much easier. She is an example of someone who has found a perfect balance between parenting and befriending their children.

Even though Lisa is no longer married to David's father, we will always consider her family. She lives too far for our children to really visit her, but when we show them pictures, we address her as Grandma Lisa. There may not be a biological connection, but we will be sure to make sure that there is always a spiritual connection of love.

Happy Mother's Day, Lisa! We love you!


*April*


When David & I got married, I told April that I would prefer to address her by name as opposed to "Mom," simply out-of-respect for my own mother. But there have been many times since that day that I have truly felt of her mothering & nurturing, and she really is so deserving of that title. Truly.

When I first met her, David's family had come to visit him in Japan. David and I were, at that time, "just friends." But as he was escorting them back to the airport, she said, referring to me, "I approve." And I am grateful I have always felt that from her ever since.

April has such a giving nature. Anything she has to give, she will. Without hesitation. When Malia was born an emergency c-section, she sensed my need for help and dropped everything to stay with me for 2 weeks because my mom was still in school and couldn't stay. I was initially a little uncomfortable because, as is typical, at that difficult time in my life, I just wanted my mommy. But it didn't take long for me to be overwhelmed with how amazing she was as a help and support. Whenever it was time to nurse Malia, she came running with the Boppy, the remote, and a huge bottle of ice cold water. And on our first night home from the hospital, if Malia was up crying NOT out of hunger, she would take her so I could sleep. The woman was up all night, on our couch, holding Malia. A saint, I tell you!

When Cecily was born, again, it was a busy time at work for my mom, and so April came, once again, to watch Malia & help out. She was phenomenal! She cleaned my house, did my laundry, organized cupboards, entertained Malia, and she got our food storage started! And she never seemed put-out. I never felt judged when she ran across even another mess. To say I was actually comfortable having her in my home for that period of time is a huge compliment to her. And I was. I cried like a baby when she left.

She is a beautiful woman, inside & out, & I credit a great deal of the phenomenal man my David is to her upbringing.

Thank you for raising my David so well, April. Happy Mother's Day!

*Mom*


There is nothing like becoming a mother yourself that will cause you to reflect on how wonderful your own mother is. Like most mother-daughter relationships, we definitely have had our "tense" moments. But, through it all, scars & everything, I can truly say the Lord knew what He was doing when He sent me to my mother. He knew what the combination would create and I have come to learn that I couldn't have asked for the more perfect mother for me.

Growing up, I always knew my mother was one of the more talented & beautiful women in the world. But in the last few months, I've come to truly appreciate the sacrifices my mother made for her children. My cell phone bill was ATROCIOUS during my bout with PPD because I called my mother at least 3 or 4 times every day. She was amazing at trying to help me gain perspective and to help me find my inner strength.

She adores my children/her grandchildren, and I take a certain pride in watching Malia gush over her Grandma Renee. It makes me feel as if maybe Malia is compensating for all the hard times I put my mother through.

My mother gave me a good life. She gave me clothes, food, & shelter. She gave me a love for knowledge. She tolerated my odd sense of humor. She gave me music. She gave me the Gospel.

She gave me herself.

In Church today, as we sang "Teach Me to Walk in The Light" as our closing hymn, I became emotional during the 3rd verse as I thought of my mother:

Father in Heaven we thank Thee this day
For loving guidance to show us the way
Grateful we praise Thee with songs of delight.
Gladly, gladly, we'll walk in the light.

I am grateful to my Father in Heaven for the blessing of my mother and her guidance filled with unconditional love. And I am overwhelmingly full of gratitude for the gift of song that she gave to me so that I can praise Him.

And because of her, I am always able to walk in the light.


Happy Mother's Day, Mom.