"Behind the Smile"

That's the title of a book by Marie Osmond that I just finished reading. It was a good read and definitely enlightening. My mother gave it to me a couple of weeks ago because she thought it might help me. I've decided I need to write this post because a few people (*cough,cough* Liz *cough*) have recently been asking about my welfare.

Postpartum depression is REAL.

When Cecily was 5 weeks old, about a month and a 1/2 ago, I felt like I was losing my mind. Even the smallest of her cries sent me into an anxious tailspin. I couldn't understand it, considering I had lived through the worst colic a first-time mother could imagine. There were times I felt nuts when Malia was small and screaming, but Cecily's innocent little baby cries, typical for the average newborn, would cause my blood pressure to rise instantly and I would get sick to my stomach. I knew it wasn't just the baby blues. I'd had those in the hospital when Cecily was 3 days old. This was very different. I felt like Eeyore with a constant raincloud over my heart. It was very heavy and felt incredibly dark & lonely.

I'm not going to go into too much detail here, because it's really personal and is a time in my life that feels almost like I wasn't a part of it - like an out-of-body experience - as I watched the woman I was fade into nothing but anxiety, anger, and constant crying.

The turn-around was when I realized that I had severe emotional breakdowns in front of my sweet, susceptible 3-year-old, at minimum, 3 or 4 times a day. Now, I admit. I am emotional by nature. But, by that, I mean that I cry really easily at Disney cartoons. However, this was different. These were body-wracking sobs, and my poor little 3-year-old was bearing the brunt of these and having to put her arms around her mother on a daily basis... our roles were reversing, and I knew that wasn't right to do to her. Unhealthy, even.

I had to get help.

I spoke with my OB and also went to see an LDS therapist.

I have been diagnosed, officially, with PPD. It shouldn't've surprised me. After all, depression, in general, runs on both sides of my family. But I guess there are a few reasons I was initially very afraid to say it was true. The main one being that, no matter what anyone says, we all know there are stigmas to "mental disease."

Someone breaks their arm? We expect them to get a cast. Someone gets a bad cold? We encourage them to take medicine or get a flu shot. Someone is diagnosed with cancer? We accept that chemo is often necessary. Someone is diagnosed with depression? They are weak, need to pray more, or are just down-right nuts.

Let me tell you, as someone who is officially "nuts"... IT. IS. REAL.

And it is scary. And it is debilitating. And it is lonely. And it is very, very dark. And sometimes? The more you pray, the worse it seems to get. No joke. And no matter how perfect someone's life may seem, that doesn't make their depression any less valid. If you have it you have it.

For someone like me to admit I had PPD, it was difficult. By "someone like me," I mean that I have a certain persona I try to upkeep. I'm not fake, by any means. However, I have always prided myself on being strong and sure and stable. No matter what comes my way, I overcome it... and often, I do it on my own. When I lost all sight of that person, I knew something was wrong. And not being able to have any control over that was only heightening the case.

I can talk about this now because I have been on anti-depressants for just over a month now. I don't even like to take a mild Tylenol for a pounding headache, so I cried like a nutjob (HA! I was nuts after all) for about 10 minutes before I took the first one. I was afraid that it meant I was finally "giving in."

The irony? I wasn't giving in. I was actually fighting it by taking this step and I had to think above the stigmas and the "weakness." It's not a weakness. It's an illness. And for the most part? It's gone for me now. And I'm me again. And I can be the loving, funny, happy, nurturing mommy that my girls deserve, and the witty, sexy, sarcastic best friend & wife my husband desperately wanted back.

One thing's for sure, being ok with hearing Cecily cry for a little bit in order to get her sleep-trained, so that she would have longer naps and so that I could give more attention to Malia, definitely helped (shout-out to David's awesome cousin Zoie & her encouraging words)! And talking to a therapist who has opened my eyes to the possibility that I may also be suffering a little from PTSD because of Malia's extreme case of colic also brings me peace of mind. Knowing you're going crazy for a "reason" often helps us feel a little more validated.

So that's it, folks! I'm good these days. Don't worry. And as soon as I start getting 5 hours of consolidated sleep for myself, I'll be allowed to get off of the "happy pills." I don't know that they're necessary even now, because things really are going good (knock on wood). But why risk it, eh? Why would I choose to go down that path again?

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Big Sister

Malia wanted to hold Cecily "all. by. my. self!" So, she did... sort of. Don't worry, I was watching the situation and not just taking pictures and allowing injury to ensue for the sake of comedy.

I think I should seriously make an action flipbook out of these.











She eventually got the hang of it, though. And I think these pictures will be cherished by these girls for the rest of their lives. Don't you love how we force best friendships on people when we give them sisters?




*proud*

Rainy Days

For the last week or so we've been having AWESOME weather here. (I actually mean that... I'm truly not being sarcastic). We've had a ridiculously warm winter thus far and have found some relief with a couple of storms that have passed through. For the last 2 weeks, we've had more days with rain than without and it's been nice actually having to wear a sweater and sleep under my covers. And because we've spent the last couple of weeks sleep training Cecily, I don't have the "luxury" of going out anyway, and so the rain hasn't become any sort of a hindrance. In fact, it's been nice because Malia gets some outside play while I sit in the the front door reading, and she's not too tempted to run far from sight because we have a puddle right at our doorstep.




And then on Saturday 2 weeks ago, as we were leaving her dance class, she saw that all of her fellow classmates had umbrellas (oops!) so we immediately ran out to get her one. Thank heavens I knew where to find a "Tinker Bell" umbrella, or I never would've heard the end of it ("I want a Tinker Bell 'sunbrella!' Please can I have a Tinker Bell 'sunbrella?'") She had seen it at a store about 6 months ago, and hadn't forgotten about it (amazing, the memory on this kid). They had exactly one Tinker Bell one left. Phew!

WARNING: Possible Picture Overload!

You've been warned.

This last weekend was a whirlwind of family, events, and overall joy for me. If there's one thing that having children and being a stay-at-home mom has truly made me appreciate, it's when family comes to visit. It's so nice to have adults to talk to as well as people to occupy my children. I love nothing more. Truly.

David's family showed up from Seattle on Thursday night and Gary & Elise got to see Cecily for the first time (April had been here when she was born).


The next morning, we headed to Disneyland. We haven't been there in about 3 months, which is pretty much a record for me & Malia since the move to CA in 2006. Malia was so excited and was very happy about the prospect of actually not having to take a nap that day. I was nervous because we have recently started sleep-training Cecily, and so she mostly only sleeps in her crib. Both of my girls have a gift for extreme over-stimulation and not being able to shut their eyes and block the world out. Case & point:

My mother-in-law, April, was awesome, however, and she lugged Cecily around ALL DAY in the Bjorn so that I could actually enjoy going on some "big kid" rides (I haven't been on any of the roller coasters in ages)! It was definitely a blessing, and for the most part, Cecily did fairly well. (P.S. these pictures are all courtesy of my in-laws who have an amazing camera & eye for perfect moments). So, thank you, April. I hope you enjoyed carrying her around as much as I enjoyed not having to carry her around... :) April was a godsend.

Grandma April & Grandpa Gary took both girls to the Bug's Life section of CA Adventure while David, Elise, & I got soaked on the Rapids. (I mean SOAKED)! Malia had a ball. I'm really glad she isn't shy and that she enjoys being with lots of different people. I appreciate the freedom. And I'm sure she was just happy to be back at the Happiest Place on Earth after such a hiatus. (I know - we're spoiled). She even got to go on the bumper cars, which she was too short for the last time we were there. It made me feel all schmoopy knowing that my baby girl really isn't a baby anymore. *sigh*


Afterwards, while Gary, Dave, & Elise went on the Tower of Terror, April and I took the girls over to Disneyland where we waited almost an hour (!) for Malia to see Tinkerbell. I am really amazed at how patient Malia can be in lines. I rewarded her patience with a face painting. Ok, truthfully? Maybe I wanted her to get her face painted because it's just too fun and cute. Whatever. Sue me.


On Saturday, after that exhausting day (and me falling asleep on the couch like an old lady at 9 PM), we took Malia to her dance classes in her new tutu that Grandma April had brought. She was so excited because it;s made of tulle instead of chiffon and so it sticks out more than her others and she couldn't help but look at herself in the mirror and play with it the entire hour.





After Malia's class, Dave's family took a trip to Knott's (we were too exhausted to join) & we enjoyed a relaxing visit from Dave's dad (from St. George) & Nana (from San Diego). Malia was spoiled with more gifts and Cecily was spoiled with more love. They had to head back and so I then went with April to the mall for a last minute desperate attempt to find Cecily's dress.

And then, the reason for it all. Cecily's baby blessing was on Sunday. We were so fortunate to have so many people come to be a part of it. At first, we were a little hesitant at the number that would be in the circle, but then we just realized we are truly blessed to have so many worthy men among our friends and family (shout out to the Folkmans, Winkels, Browns, Andersons, & the Suns)! I don't have many pictures from that day yet, but they'll roll in from both grandmas eventually.

David gave a beautiful blessing and I was really impressed that Cecily stayed quiet the entire time considering she'd been so sick all week. When Malia was blessed, she was drugged up on Tylenol for an ear infection so she slept through hers. And Cecily just chilled with a pacifier in her mouth. (Praise the heavens above)! Who knew I can actually create people who have moments of quiet that are actually appropriate?! Nice. 2 for 2.




Now I have the girls' cold. They're both in the clear, for the most part... and now I'm miserable. But hey, better me than them, I say.

I'm going to take a nap.