I'm Back - Maybe.

Holy N0-Posts-For-Over-A-Month, Batman! That's gotta' be a record for me! *checking back* Yep. It is.

Aside from a month-long hiatus last year at this exact same time (*cue Twilight Zone music*) I've never gone silent on my blog for this long. I'm not sure why. I'd blame it on my 1st trimester morning sickness and exhaustion, but that's been done with for at least a couple of weeks. We HAVE had a lot of visitors compared to normal, but that usually inspires me to want to write about their visits and all the goings-on. I also haven't been the picture taker that I usually am. I think I've just hit a slump for no reason other than it just is. /shrug

So, where to begin... I know! FB statuses(ii?)! I never slump there! Probably because it's less than a minute of commitment to tell the world my inner-most secrets. I'll just let facebook write today's blog! Let's see:

*for those of you who get my FB feed, you may experience a slight case of deja vu*

9/5 - "The world needs to know how awesome my husband's been during my 1st trimester of nausea and fatigue - Dave Nutter has done almost EVERY single load of dishes in this house for over a month! Jealous, ladies?!"

9/5 - "While David took Malia on Star Tours for her 1st time, CC and I went to go get the car. It was such a fun walk because, without Malia there to compete with, CC was talking up a storm! When we picked Dave & Lili up, I told him, 'It was so awesome. CC was talking non-stop!' To which my 2-year-old added, 'Just like Mom!' I don't think she understood exactly what she'd said, but it was HI-larious just the same."

9/7 - "Tomorrow, the 8 AM schedule I've loved and relied upon for 5 years that has brought this home order and good sleep will be disrupted forever by the obnoxiously early hours of my oldest child's enslavement to public school. Boo."

9/11 - "'I believe in Jesus Christ and fairies.' - Malia"

9/12 - "Malia just finished her first homework assignment. If that assignment is a sign of things to come, I'm going to have to put her in the 4th grade...."

9/14 - "After last night's dream I had a thought: Will we have to repent about our bad choices re: significant others, or can we call it even when we marry awesome, like I did with my hubs?"

9/15 - "Stupid itty-bitty earthquake last night was JUST big enough to disturb my sleep. Then me and my over-active imagination takes an HOUR to fall back to sleep as I go through all the scenarios of what to do with my children if a bigger one comes. And then I had to go potty and my whole night was shot. I'm tired."

9/22 - "I LOVE my OB! For the first time in over 6 years, I actually have a doctor who validates me and cares about what I want with MY pregnancy. I'm not used to this. LOL."

9/22 - "Don't get me wrong - I'm really grateful for this pregnancy and all... but this whole 'starving but nauseous simultaneously' thing is getting old."

9/22 - "Just sent the hubby to the store for Creamsicles. WHAT?!!!! It could be worse. It could be something more difficult to find at a more ungodly hour. So, I'm defensive. So what...."

9/27 - "I read an article this morning about when young kids identify as transgendered. All I could think about is how terrible I would be at parenting in that situation. I know I would say and do nothing but the wrong things... Then my 2-year-old daughter came running in wearing a crown, a tutu, and high heels, and I figured I was safe...."

9/29 - "Nothing like waiting in line for Dumbo with my 2 & 1/2-year-old, and realizing that I see Seal & Heidi Klum zipping around on the flying elephants right in front of me."

10/1 - "This proud Mommy/Ward Primary Chorister is proud listening to my 5-year-old sing 'Praise to the Man' along with Conference without looking at the words. :)"

10/4 - "Dear Google: How did I ever accomplish anything before you existed without telling me what to do? For reals."

10/6 - "We had such a fun girls' day out going and getting our flu shots together! :/"

10/7 - "Just came downstairs after my shower to see that CC had stripped off her jacket, her pjs, her socks, and her diaper, and was running around dancing buck nekkid to the VeggiTales theme song playing on the TV."

10/8 - "I just got emotional over my daughter telling me she has her first loose tooth. Hold it together, Woman!"

10/10 - "The Great Debate: Spend money on over-priced maternity clothes NOW, or just wear my normal clothes and stretch them out, and then spend the money on a new post-partum wardrobe in 5 months."

10/10 - "Dear fellow members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - I don't understand why many of you are so up-in-arms about Pastor Jeffress' 'Mormonism is a cult' comments. I heard worse about my faith, daily, from my own 'friends' growing up... not to mention he seems to actually be HELPING the Church's mission to gain public interest. YOU know you're Christians. GOD knows you're Christians. Forget the label and just live the life."

10/11 - "The worst part about opening the door, full-force, on my big toe wasn't the fact that it sent searing pain through my entire leg or that it ripped off my toenail or that there was far too much blood or that I could feel my heartbeat throbbing in it... it was the fact that it happened right in front of my 2 small children, so I couldn't say all the 'pain-relieving,' glorious swear words I so desperately wanted to say!!!"

10/12 - "That's right! This pregnant lady with a deformed toe just put together a whole bunk bed ALL BY HERSELF in an hour and a 1/2! (Ok - it was almost 2 hours, but I'm subtracting the time I had to take away when I discovered my 2-year-old and my WHITE desk covered in red permanent Sharpie....)."

10/16 - "It's a little annoying having to pick my Sunday clothes based on the shoes I have to wear for my stupid injured toe..."

10/17 - "Nothing like when the 2-year-old farts on my lap, and then turns to me with a big grin and yells, ' 'Scuse you!!!'"

10/19 - "Dear MSNBC: Do you really think that posting birth-defect-related articles on the FB news feed of a pregnant woman is wise? Thanks for the anxiety."

TODAY - "Big day for us yesterday: My BIG girl finally lost her first tooth and we found out that we'll be having another BABY girl. :D"

Yes. You read that right. We are having ANOTHER GIRL! And I am not at all disappointed. Sure - it'd be nice to try the whole raising-a-boy thing out, but I love my girls, and I'm ecstatic to give them another sister. To be completely honest, after 2 healthy children, you start to get anxious about statistics and just PRAY that whatever the gender, that you get a HEALTHY baby, without a concern for whether or not a little sumpin' extra is dangling between the legs. Other people seemed to want a boy for us more than we cared. We make beautiful girls - I'm ecstatic about the one baking in my belly!

However... now we need to come up with a name. So we need help. There are some requirements: 1) It needs to be 3 syllables - this is how I name my girls after their Mommy and also I prefer how 3 syllables sound with our last name. 2) It needs to be a UNIQUE name but not a MADE-UP name - just like Malia and Cecily. 3) It needs to start with any letter other than "M," "C," "D," or "T" - I just like everyone having a monogram unique to them.

And..... GO!

P.S.

I cried when I picked her up. She looked so big.

So there it is.

My Big (little) Kindergartner

Last week, I spent an hour in Malia's closet trying every single article of clothing on her that she owned in order to evaluate what she might need for the upcoming school year. She pretty much hasn't grown. Well - that's not true. She's a couple of inches taller and a couple of inches leaner, so with the exception of one pair of jeans that were just too short, all of her clothes from last fall still fit her.

Part of me was relieved to know I didn't have to go break the bank for her wardrobe, but I still wanted to get her a 1st day of school outfit. And after much deliberation over a headband and a hair tie, I was able to convince her on the tie since it's SO DANG HOT lately and we'd have to go the up-do route (the last thing I needed her to bring home from her first day of kindergarten was dehydration).

I woke Malia up an hour earlier than her usual 8 AM (my routine is forever disrupted). The school has a policy that the child must be IN the gate by 7:55 or they get a a tardy. 3 tardies equal detention (what?!?!) So my anxiety had me getting her dressed and out the door ASAP.

Even though we arrived at her school at 7:40, the A.M. drop-off traffic was INSANE! As I watched the clock in my car gradually change while sitting dead-locked in the parking lot, I started to panic. The last thing I needed was for my daughter to have a reputation for being late. And the EXTRA last thing I needed was for my sweet, little angel to be 2 days away from detention (*gasp!*)

Finally, as the fear began to irritate an impending ulcer, I opened the car door, pointed Malia in the right direction, told her to ask for directions if she got confused, and that I would meet her as soon as I could find somewhere to park. The moment I shut the door behind her and I watched her little body step onto the sidewalk, I sped off like a demon around the block. So, apparently it was trash day in the neighborhood, because there was nowhere to park due to stupid bins lining the curbs everywhere! I started to cry as I imagined my poor, little, abandoned kindergartner wandering around alone while all the other dumb kids had their stupid, lucky, parking-space-finding parents holding their nervous little hands.

I found a spot, and then I SPRINTED the 3 blocks in my flip-flops as I tugged at my falling pants. When I turned the corner into the kindergarten playground and saw my sweet baby girl running around, giggling, relief swept over me. And then the tardy bell rang, and I almost passed out.

A new dress and some ridiculously sparkly new shoes. All a girl needs for academic success!

Malia is fortunate enough that a girl who used to be in our ward at Church a year ago is in her class. One friend guaranteed: can't do better than that.

I think it's hilarious how Malia is beaming, excited, and ready to go, and the kid behind her looks like he is anticipating the apocalypse. And do you see how tall that kid is in front of her?! She's one of the oldest in her class with a December birthday, and she's totally one of the shortest!

So studious!

Once I got back to my car, which I had apparently parked out-of-state (Seriously. I can't believe I ran that far in my current pregnant and nauseated state - amazing what adrenaline can do), I drove home without a tear - which surprised me. I think maybe pre-school had helped that (I cried pretty hard the 1st day I dropped her off there). I think, also, I have confidence in Malia and her capabilities. I mean, I totally abandoned her on the perimeter of a school she knew nothing about and told her to find the playground she had played on only once at orientation. And she did it without hesitation. And when I found her, I was more panic-stricken than she was!

That's when you feel like you're doing your job as Mommy well - when you can send a child into the world (i.e. kindergarten), and you know that it's not your child who needs to be warned... it's the world.

The Good News Is...

I feel like crap.

How is that good news, you ask? Well, I suppose I've been working on my optimism as of late, and that's how I try to remind myself that my feeling like crap is a sign that the baby's doing well.

What baby, you ask? The one that decided to take up dwelling in my uterus so quickly after losing one just weeks before.

Yes. That's the good news. It's amazing news, really, considering it took us so long to get pregnant with #3. Or is this one technically #3? Do you number the pregnancies or do you number the viable fetuses (fetii?). Either way - we were ready to continue as soon as possible, and "possible" turned out to be not even a month later.

I hadn't had my period for 8 weeks after the miscarriage. And the doctor had told me it would take UP to 6 weeks. So - without trying to get my hopes up TOO high, I bought a 3-test First Response box. This is where it gets complicated. Well, not really. But here's where I made it complicated.

So, if you're NOT pregnant, it should look like this:

And if you are pregnant, it should look like this:
For those of you who've never had to read one of these before, what that means is that the FIRST line measures your HcG, a hormone that rises at an exponential rate when a woman is pregnant. If that line exists at all, it means that hormone is present in your body, i.e., pregnant. (at least, this is how I understand it...). Either way, that second line means you peed on it, pregnant or not.

So, I took the test, and just stared at it, pretty much without blinking. Well, this is what I saw:
Soooooooo.... I'm pregnant but apparently non-existent.

I then deduced that the manufacturer accidentally put the strip in upside-down/backwards and showed it to Dave. "I'm not pregnant," I tell him. "My period's just riding in slowly on the short, yellow bus, I guess."

A week later, I started to feel ridiculously tired and somewhat nauseous. I thought, "Hmmm. I already have two tests in my bathroom, what can it hurt?" So I took another test, and set it down on the toilet tank to go deal with my children. When I came back, I saw this:
I could hardly see that 2nd line, but it was definitely there. As I stood there looking at it, David was walking up the stairs toward me. He'd just gotten home from work. I handed him the pee stick.

"You took another one? Why?"

"Look at it," I told him.

"It says you're not pregnant again."

"No. It says I am."

"But the other one looked liked this."

"No it didn't."

"Yes it did."

"Where is it?!"

"In the trash."

I made the poor guy retrieve it. And he was right. It had that 2nd line, it was just so faint I hadn't noticed it. But since I hadn't had a period since the miscarriage, and possibly due to having gone through a miscarriage, I was still laden with doubt.

"Maybe I should go buy another test to make sure this box isn't defective," I mentioned.

"Aren't those expensive?"

"Unfortunately. Unless..."

"Unless, what?"

"YOU pee on the last one! Then we'll be able to compare it and know for sure!"

He declined.

HOWEVER - most likely for the sake of economical wisdom, as well as due to my pushy and sometimes dominating cajoling - he used the last one the next morning. And, sure enough, he was DEFINITELY not pregnant. (I took a picture of his test next to mine - he made me swear not to post it. I guess he's embarrassed for the world to see his pee. /shrug).

Since we didn't know my due date and I'd had a (VERY) recent miscarriage, and a new blood test was showing my progesterone as dangerously low, I became "high-risk."

Now, a little over a month later, after 4 blood tests, an obnoxious prescription for increasing progesterone, my losing 10 pounds due to nausea, and two ultrasounds, I'm proud to announce baby Nutter #3:

Ultrasound taken to determine my due date. 7 1/2 weeks pregnant. Due Date: March 16th, 2012.

Ultrasound taken two weeks later, 9 1/2 weeks pregnant, to keep an eye on the baby's heartbeat after I started progesterone medication.

And today I went for a "normal" check-up. Baby's good. Heartbeat's good. We watched it do some somersaults (hence, why I have no picture. It wouldn't sit still). Progesterone is good. We are finally in that "safety zone" where the medical world goes from calling it an embryo and now it's a "fetus" and we can now share the news with the world. YAY us!

Her Trial is My Inspiration

When I was in Japan, performing for the contracted year, I took a small week-long break and headed back to the states to see my older sister for her birthday. In the weeks beforehand, I had to do extra shows for the other "Brides" in order to earn their willingness to cover me while I was gone. There were 4 casts: 4 people playing each character. We were contracted to a maximum of 6 shows a day, but it was a show that had up to 15 shows in one day, so while one cast was onstage doing their 3rd or 4th show, another cast would be in the green room applying their make-up.

And I mean make-up:

Yes. That's me. In a skinnier, younger, feistier life before the one I have now.

Because we spent a good 5 hours a day, cooped up in the green room with each other, we got quite close with our personal cast members. The extensive make-up and costumes required for our show made it so that we couldn't leave the venue for breaks. Sometimes David (who I began dating about a quarter into the contract) would come visit me in the green room. He'd have to warn me, though, because I was usually hanging out between shows in nothing but a sheer bodysuit (the guys in my cast were all gay. They didn't care if they saw my bra - it was HOT in those rooms, ok?!!). David's show required very little make-up, so he'd come visit me when our schedules coincided.

HAHAHA! Don't you love it?! You're welcome.

My reason for writing about all this goes back to how close our casts got, and the fact that I went away for a week. There were 3 girls in each cast: The Bride (the role I played) and two dancers called Hip & Hop. One of those two girls in my cast was a beautiful and talented Canadian girl named Heather Williams. When I came back from my trip to the States, and I showed up to work the next day, I noticed Heather was not there, and that one of the girls from the other cast was in her seat. This wasn't totally abnormal. So without much thought, I asked, "Heather sick? Or did she go somewhere?" (A lot of the performers took random trips to Hong Kong or Thailand).

I was shocked by the response I got.

"Heather was hit by a taxi when riding her bike home a few days ago. She's in a coma in the hospital."

To be honest, I wasn't too shocked about the taxi. In Japan, if you get in a taxi, you're suicidal. I learned that within a day. But riding her bike?! And in a coma?!! And things went from bad to worse. The medical treatment in Japan leaves something to be desired. And they had performed an emergency tracheotomy on her at one point, unnecessarily. As a singer, you JUST DON'T WANT THAT.

When Heather awoke a couple months later, she was immediately sent home. I never saw her after the accident. I just... couldn't. And I regret that. But she posted this video on her facebook profile today, and I was so inspired by her and just had to share.

If nothing else, it reminded me to be grateful for the life I have.