A Love/Hate Relationship

Last night, David and I went to see "Parade" at the Mark Taper Forum in downtown L.A. (Thanks, Mom, for watching the girls).

When I found out that they were going to be doing this show so close to me, I nearly flipped out and was ecstatic to find that they weren't completely sold-out, yet. I was even more ecstatic to find out that cheap tickets (the only way to convince David to let me go) were also not completely sold-out!

"Parade" is one of my all-time favorite musicals. I bought the CD in, oh, I want to say 1999 0r 2000... and it's had plenty of play. Jason Robert Brown is one of my favorite musical theatre composers. As a singer, I love the dissonance as well as the unique lyrics and melodies that are found in his compositions. As a pianist, oh man.... his accompaniment is always much more complicated and richer than that of other composers *cough, cough* Lloyd Webber *cough.* I've actually played through much of his music without singing, just for the fun of it. Being able to play his music has also earned me a cool penny here & there in college when friends would pay me to play it for them at auditions and recitals because they couldn't find many to play his pieces.

The problem with his shows, however, is that they just aren't catching on with the general public. For some reason, us musical theatre enthusiasts (geeks) seem to adore him, however, his stuff generally never makes it past the off-Broadway realm. Which is lame. So lame. Trust me. Look into his stuff. He. is. awesome.

So, I was a little nervous because this musical is so near-&-dear to my heart, and the lead was going to be played by T.R. Knight of Grey's Anatomy fame. I don't watch the show, so I don't really know if he's that great of an actor. But, let me tell you, as a singer, I get SO IRRITATED when these film/television stars get these awesome roles in musicals and then botch them up because they can't sing!

So I was anxious....

He was phenomenal, BTW. Absolutely, perfectly, I-couldn't-believe-every-physical-nuance-even-his-dialect-was-spot-on-&-I-was-drawn-in-the-moment-he-stepped-on-stage-I-loved-every-single-minute-of-his-performance AMAZING he was.


But he's not who I love/hate. I loved him. Love, love, LOVED him! (Did I mention he was good?... because he was). P.S. the female lead was amazing as well. Her mezzo soprano mix was flawless and amazingly healthy. Bravo, Lara Pulver. Bra-freaking-vo.
Here's wherein lies my conundrum:

I love to go to the theatre. I especially love to go see musicals. And I ESPECIALLY love to go and see really good talent being performed within an amazing production. I have never gone to a professional production of a musical without crying the moment the lights go down and you hear even the faintest sound of the overture beginning. Anyone who's been with me to see a good show knows this is true. I've actually literally, fallen out of my seat before at shows where I was just moved by either the production itself or a person who is phenomenally talented. (I would've most likely done so last night, but it was a small theatre, and one of the ushers would've mistaken me for an epileptic).

GUH! I can't express in words the way it moves me. There have been moments, lying on the floor in my room, listening to a musical play, that I have choreographed and staged the entire production in my head as I listen (with me in the starring role, of course). Speaking of "Parade," I listened to it my 2nd night in Japan, 6 times IN A ROW, and bawled the whole time because I was homesick and the comfort of a good musical was all i knew to give me what I needed.

However - it is also very painful for me to go to the theatre. I get sick with envy, desire, and even (embarrassingly) occasional regret. I want to be up there! I want to be on that stage! I want to be the person taking on the life of someone else and presenting it for the world in song & dance form, moving someone to tap there foot or cry from their core or stand in applause because they just can't contain them self.

When I went with my mom & sister to see "Wicked" in L.A., last year, I sobbed through the entire song "Wizard & I" because I remembered going to that callback, singing that song for the director and casting director, the musical director at the piano, having them tell me I was perfect and doing exactly what they'd wanted, and then having to turn my back on it all, knowing it was not what was best for my daughter, my future children, and my marriage.

So, you see? It is a love/hate relationship. I love to go see a good musical, but I often hate that I'm not up there.

Going to see this show with David last night, however, I was put in an interesting place. He loves to perform as well. After all, it is how we met. But I found myself reminding him, at those moments when he expressed how it was hard for him to not be envious as he watched, that we have so much more than that. We do not receive the accolades and the paycheck. We don't have fans and that glamorous lifestyle.

But we have made 2 little people with spirits who are children of God who he works for in a boring cubicle to feed and give shelter to, and we are raising them in a home with their Mommy available in her sweatpants and poop/snot/food-stained t-shirts at their beck and call, to know about Jesus Christ and who we are guiding to make decisions that will bless them with eternal life...

...and there ain't no amount of singin' and dancin' in purty costumes with a full orchestra behind you and gettin' paid millions that deserves the ovation we deserve for doing what we do.

No amount.

Pssst! Don't tell anyone... but I will probably always feel this way whenever I go to a show. I'm resigned to that fact. *shrug*

P.S. Here's a little clip from the show's website.