Dear Cecily -
It's been a while since I've written one of these letters to you and your sister. And when I do this, I usually write one to both of you. But today? This one is just for you. Or more importantly, for me.
Two weeks ago we had General Conference - most of which I didn't hear because, at 2 years old, you're not really a fan of sitting in a room as these random men in suits drone on about anything other than Tinker Bell or Sponge Bob. But on Sunday afternoon, just as I had laid you down for a nap, I heard some words that hit very close to home.
It's been a while since I've written one of these letters to you and your sister. And when I do this, I usually write one to both of you. But today? This one is just for you. Or more importantly, for me.
Two weeks ago we had General Conference - most of which I didn't hear because, at 2 years old, you're not really a fan of sitting in a room as these random men in suits drone on about anything other than Tinker Bell or Sponge Bob. But on Sunday afternoon, just as I had laid you down for a nap, I heard some words that hit very close to home.
"With which child will your patience, long-suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"
(Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy, April 2011)
(Lynn G. Robbins of the Seventy, April 2011)
I have since read over that talk almost 1/2 a dozen times.
Your Mommy is very blessed. I have two beautiful and healthy daughters who are both very intelligent and full of life and joy. I can't neglect the fact that my cup does, indeed, runneth over. I'm having a hard time, though. And I need to apologize to you....
I have spent the last year of your life saying to myself and, unfortunately, to others, that you're "a handful" and "stubborn" and "strong-willed." And today was NO exception. But these are all things I grew up hearing about myself by multiple people. And when they were said, I didn't feel like I was being complimented. And when I say them about you, I haven't been praising you.
And I apologize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
You are a beautiful and amazing little girl. Your older sister is less of a .... challenge... for me. And aside from the colic, she always has been. But your Mommy was the 4th child out of 5 kids (can we say middle-child syndrome?) and I was very aggressive and constantly trying to assert my independence, and I was.... a challenge. And, to this day, it still hurts my heart that I've always viewed myself as less than I am just because I was a "challenge."
Your Grandma Renee came for a visit last weekend, and she witnessed first-hand how much of a fight you are often willing to put up when things are not the way you want them. And, unfortunately for you (or fortunately) you were given to a mother (me) who is a disciplinarian. That time-out spot of yours is always still warm from the last sitting by the time you have to visit it again. Grandma called me a few days after visiting and left me a voicemail. She talked about how she and a friend were talking about the need for stubborn spirits in these last days. And this friend of hers mentioned that she'd once heard an Apostle in Conference saying it was very important not to "break the spirit" of children like that.
I don't want to break your spirit. I'm doing my best to help you learn to use your amazing, strong little spirit for phenomenal good. But at the same time, I see that I am stifling that progress by throwing up my hands every time you scream, tantrum, and retaliate and saying that this is "just who you are."
Because it's not WHO you are. "Who" you are is amazing. And intelligent. And full of passion and fire. And strength. And just because your little body is struggling with how exactly to use those traits doesn't mean you're difficult and a "challenge." It means I'm weak and need to work harder at honing my character and humility to best help you become an amazing contribution to the Lord's Army in these last days.
Your Mommy is very blessed. I have two beautiful and healthy daughters who are both very intelligent and full of life and joy. I can't neglect the fact that my cup does, indeed, runneth over. I'm having a hard time, though. And I need to apologize to you....
I have spent the last year of your life saying to myself and, unfortunately, to others, that you're "a handful" and "stubborn" and "strong-willed." And today was NO exception. But these are all things I grew up hearing about myself by multiple people. And when they were said, I didn't feel like I was being complimented. And when I say them about you, I haven't been praising you.
And I apologize. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
You are a beautiful and amazing little girl. Your older sister is less of a .... challenge... for me. And aside from the colic, she always has been. But your Mommy was the 4th child out of 5 kids (can we say middle-child syndrome?) and I was very aggressive and constantly trying to assert my independence, and I was.... a challenge. And, to this day, it still hurts my heart that I've always viewed myself as less than I am just because I was a "challenge."
Your Grandma Renee came for a visit last weekend, and she witnessed first-hand how much of a fight you are often willing to put up when things are not the way you want them. And, unfortunately for you (or fortunately) you were given to a mother (me) who is a disciplinarian. That time-out spot of yours is always still warm from the last sitting by the time you have to visit it again. Grandma called me a few days after visiting and left me a voicemail. She talked about how she and a friend were talking about the need for stubborn spirits in these last days. And this friend of hers mentioned that she'd once heard an Apostle in Conference saying it was very important not to "break the spirit" of children like that.
I don't want to break your spirit. I'm doing my best to help you learn to use your amazing, strong little spirit for phenomenal good. But at the same time, I see that I am stifling that progress by throwing up my hands every time you scream, tantrum, and retaliate and saying that this is "just who you are."
Because it's not WHO you are. "Who" you are is amazing. And intelligent. And full of passion and fire. And strength. And just because your little body is struggling with how exactly to use those traits doesn't mean you're difficult and a "challenge." It means I'm weak and need to work harder at honing my character and humility to best help you become an amazing contribution to the Lord's Army in these last days.
"We have all heard the advice to condemn the sin and not the sinner. Likewise, when our children misbehave, we must be careful not to say things that would cause them to believe that what they did wrong is who they are. 'Never let failure progress from an action to an identity,' with its attendant labels like 'stupid,' 'slow,' 'lazy,' or 'clumsy.' Our children are God’s children. That is their true identity and potential. His very plan is to help His children overcome mistakes and misdeeds and to progress to become as He is. Disappointing behavior, therefore, should be considered as something temporary, not permanent—an act, not an identity."
I am making a vow to you now, CCLemon, in front of the, um... 10 to 12 people.... reading this - sorry I don't have a more public forum - that I am going to work much harder at giving you the direction you need to feel as if your spirit and character are geared for greatness and for accomplishment, and not as obstacles of my happiness and peace of mind. You'll still get time-outs. Don't kid yourself. But I am taking accountability for my part in our daily emotional (and some, physical) tug-of wars.
I've got my work cut out with you. But that's not your fault - it's mine. And I promise to work harder with you and the Lord to be more aware of your potential and less aware of, what I've made, your foibles. Most of all, I hope that, as often as I will mess up and have to 'fess up when it comes to my rearing of you and your sister, that your ability to forgive will only be getting good practice and become infinite. Because, I really do love you equally as infinitely. And I'm, already, so very proud of you.
I've got my work cut out with you. But that's not your fault - it's mine. And I promise to work harder with you and the Lord to be more aware of your potential and less aware of, what I've made, your foibles. Most of all, I hope that, as often as I will mess up and have to 'fess up when it comes to my rearing of you and your sister, that your ability to forgive will only be getting good practice and become infinite. Because, I really do love you equally as infinitely. And I'm, already, so very proud of you.
P.S. If you could maybe stop doing that screaming-in-public thing and throwing-food-you-don't-want-on-the-floor game...? That might help a little.
Just sayin'.
P.P.S. You just woke up from your nap in the foulest mood possible. Nothing wrong with a little irony, eh?Just sayin'.
7 comments:
I <3 this. You are an amazing woman and mom.
Thinking about what "Grandma" said, someone said a similar thing to me recently, and I kind of loved it. It was a woman in my ward who works with special needs kids, and had worked with lots of autistic children. She said, "You know how autistic children block out the world and can really focus? Maybe they were sent to the world now because of that gift--that they can block out the world and focus on what is important. In these days of distractions and awful things going around--that could be so useful." I had never EVER thought of it that way. I thought it was pretty cool.
I SO needed to hear this! My first was colicky as they get (or at least close, since I've heard your story), but she turned into this mellow, people pleaser who impresses and charms everyone she meets. Then there's my 'fiery' second child. Whom I love more than I can say, but MAN can she try my patience -- her and I seem to butt heads about everything (which makes me feel like an idiot, since she's TWO!) and her push back and attitude is so unlike her big sister's that I have a hard time not setting the same standards for them both, then being upset with my second when she doesn't meet them . . . I think I'll go back and reread that talk a half dozen times now too . . .
And I had to add, oh my goodness, does my second daughter wake up in the worst mood after naps! We've long thought about just not letting her nap, despite her desperate need for sleep, just 'cause she is so flippin' angry when she wakes up (and continues to be for like 1-2 hours . . . it's miserable for all involved).
Tiffany- thanks for your post. I loved that talk. This made me want to try harder to be a better mother as well. Thanks for all of your posts and comments. I really enjoy them. Thanks! Ashley
I know this was a special letter to your little one, but thank you, for posting. I loved the sweet words of advice from leaders and those who have been through this mother journey before. As I read it, I cringed when I thought back, to just a few hours ago, when I was talkng about my oldest, calling him 'quirky' and NOT in a good way. We truly need these different personalities, in these days! So thanks again, for the wonderful reminder.
I am grateful to get these reminders from time to time. Keep up the good work in seeking and finding the right way to channel and direct that strength. What a journey!
GREAT letter. I feel this way so often with Weston. Tim and I always say that he has our two strongest qualities: my stubbornness and Tim's quick temper. But really, there's so much that's wonderful about him, too, and I always need to focus on that more!!
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