Let's face it. Nobody likes Mondays.
But this last Monday, for me?... was a living nightmare.
It's no secret that I'm dealing with a potential breakdown over here. Baby #1 was pretty dang difficult. Baby #2 was actually pretty easy but the PPD kind of screwed that up. Baby #3 is not as bad as Malia was, but she's definitely colicky. Her last nap of the day often falls apart. And bedtime is hit or miss. For every 1 decent bedtime, we get 3 terrible ones. However, on Monday? She cried.... ALL. DAY!
And so did I.
And because of that, I now have another experience in my life contributing to my anticipatory anxiety. I'm trying to cope. I have the cognitive tools. But I'm giving it 2 weeks (the weeks I'm currently in with Daphne are reputably the most fussy for all babies) and then I may have to cave - cave to the world of anti-depressants and feeling like I wasn't strong enough and putting all the baby weight I've actually lost from breastfeeding right back on and then some.
David keeps trying to remind me of the small successes. Daphne is quite pleasant when she's awake. She doesn't get mad at me until I try to get her to take a nap. But if I don't make her take a nap, she will become overstimulated/tired and eventually become a non-sleeping and screaming nightmare.
Something was wrong on Monday, because I asked David to stay home on Tuesday "just in case" to help me cope. And Tuesday? She was perfection. Flawless naps! And then night came... and she was not coping. But after the 2-3 hours of not coping, she did sleep a fairly decent chunk... for her anyway.
Basically? I'm writing all of this down because I keep asking myself what it was like with CC in order to help me better figure out Daphne, and to be honest? I can hardly remember. But I need to remember this time. I have to have it in print so that when I'm hungering for #4, I can remember how hard this is for me. I need to remember for the sake of my currently existing 3 children and my poor, amazing husband, that if I try to go through this even one more time, I may have to be committed. I was already crazy. No need to certify it.
Just being honest, as you know I'm wont to do.
But as hard as it is, I need to also let you all know how beautiful and wonderful my baby girl is:
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| She just wanted to let that baby bird toy know who's boss... and she took a real mature approach with the tongue. |
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| We like to produce brilliant scholars over here. It all begins with the "Belly Button Book." |
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| Our resident thumb-sucker thinks this is the guaranteed way to stop a baby from crying. |
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| I try so hard to capture her smiles. Although they come often, they are brief. So I end up with a lot of these. |
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| THERE it is! |
4 comments:
I wish I had the words to share that would make you feel better. My last pregnancy was really rough for me...in fact, all of the hormonal changes involved in trying to get pregnant, being pregnant, having a baby, and breastfeeding that baby have about done me in. I'm 6 months postpartum and still seeing a therapist for PPD. I guess I just want to say you're not alone and I'm really grateful you have the courage to share how you're feeling. This mommy stuff is tough business. You have unique challenges and I always admire your honesty and strength. You're definitely in my thoughts and prayers. :)
I see it as a sign of incredible strength that you're talking about this and recognizing when you need outside intervention in the form of medication. People need to know they're not alone in their struggles with depression! You are amazing!
GAAAHHHH!!! So sorry for the trauma. Those really difficult days make you wonder why you even bother. And then you get those FREAKING ADORABLE smiles, and it all comes back again. :-)
What wonderful smiles in the pictures. Hope it keeps getting easier (quickly) to see and enjoy them!
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