WARNING: I will be using this (as of late, untouched) blog to air a lot of my postpartum depression grievances, hoping it will help. Whether or not you continue to read is now up to you.
Wow. I got here FAST this time. I think after CC was born, the ugly monster with a capital D didn't really show up for at least 6 weeks or so. And with Daphne, there was a lot of apprehension... but I don't think it really hit until about 5 weeks.
JD isn't even 3 weeks old until Tuesday.
But this morning, while my entire family attended church, I relaxed on the couch with a sleeping baby boy, laying sedentary on my chest. He had recently puked all of the contents of his breakfast all over me, yet, miraculously, had slept through both the vomiting and the cleaning. Then not even an hour later, without warning, he woke, suddenly, with a scream.
Usually I can get him right back to sleep, but that wasn't going to happen this morning for some reason. He just fought me, fought the pacifier, kicking me right where my fresh incision is still tender.
And instead of being the mother I know I CAN be; instead of being the loving, patient mother I work daily at being with my older, more "controllable" children - I just lost it. I put him in his swing, which he protested, and I yelled at him. I yelled at a helpless, newborn, dependent-upon-me-for-survival-and-love, tiny baby. I yelled at him to "deal for 5 minutes so I can take a bloody shower since I smell like a sour dairy farm!"
I cried in the shower. HARD. I literally sat on the floor of my shower, water pouring all over me like some sort of campy after-school special, and sobbed. They were angry tears, and sad tears, and tears of self-pity & self-loathing. Oh, and you can trust that there was some definite yelling at God, as there is every time I go through this. I'm sure He can take it... not sure He deserves it. But He's plenty used to it, undoubtedly.
I got out of the shower, nearly hyperventilating, and wondering what good my drama was doing me if no one was even around to witness the spectacle. I could hear JD, strapped safely in his swing, screaming like he was being tortured. So dramatic. Like his father.
Obviously.
I quickly got dressed and ran down to him just in time to catch him mid-red-faced, breathless silence. I picked him up just as the tension officially broke and the piercing cry nearly deafened me. I felt bad.
I guess.
I love him. I do. I really do love him, as I love all of my children. But I don't like him yet, and that sickens me, literally, physically to my core. It takes longer each time for me to actually "like" my babies. It took 6 months with Malia, 8 with CC, and almost 10 with Daphne.
I have my 1st appointment on Wednesday with a therapist. I didn't go to therapy after Daphne. I definitely should have. I went after CC and it worked wonders. I also have a prescription for something called "Wellbutrin" pinned up in my kitchen. The nurse gave it to me last week after dubbing me a little "more weepy" than her average postpartum patients. I didn't want Prozac. It did weird things to me. It took away my sad, but it also took my happy.
Looks like I may need to visit the pharmacy today.
This is going to be a long year.....
9 comments:
Oh Tiff... I'm so sorry! That really sucks. :(
You and your family will be in my prayers.
I'm so sorry. I was really hoping that maybe it would be different this time, although I knew it generally isn't with a subsequent kid.
I'm so sorry. I hope the therapy and meds help - I know that Zoloft literally saved my life when I was pregnant (and postpartum) with Claire.
Babies are so hard, and they treat us like crap (I mean, honestly, I would yell at anybody who soaked me with barf, too, although I realize the problem with yelling at a newborn... but I've totally done it anyways). I hope he mellows soon, and sleeps well soon. I had a friend whose baby barfed like that and ended up with reflux meds - it helped his barf and his sleep, so maybe that's something? I have no idea. But I'm so, so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. Please go lean into the corner of two walls and pretend I'm hugging you with my awkwardly-straight, hard-as-plaster arms. (Or have Dave hug you for me, but that's just less fun sometimes than hugging the wall.)
Tiffany, so sorry you have to do this again. We all know you will soon be your happy self. I get pre-partum depression, I know what is like to not like your baby,to love it but not to like it. In truth, I feel that way about all my children when I'm pregnant and for the first few months after having a baby. They sicken me, I can't stand them and think all of this was a mistake. The self loathing is the worst part, what kind of mother thinks like that,will say things like that? I do, to my shame. My last 2 babies are closer together than my others and it was good to remember so clearly that I can get past this. It didn't make each day any easier, it was still a long hard year. I still have bad days but not as bad as yours.hugs.
You have been in my prayers and thoughts for months now knowing we were both having our surprise baby. Thinking of how much you love your family to go through all this for them. We must love them just to have surgery let alone all the rest of it! I printed a post of yours a few years ago to give to a friend who was struggling with this in the way you do. She took comfort and gained strength in your upfront willing to share words. She comes from a family where talking about this or taking meds. is looked on as wrong. Your willingness to share your struggle with postpartum depression help my friend find help. Thank you.
It have been years since I saw you last, but I still look up to you as only a little sister can to her brothers way cool friend. All my love and prayers...
I know what you mean about prozac!! I've liked Welbutrin and Zoloft. They helped a lot. Good luck and I'm sorry :(. Depression really really sucks.
I pray for you and your family every day, because I know this is going to be a rough several months for you. Just wanted you to know.
I take Wellbutrin (buproprion) and it's worked really well for me. I'm bipolar, and we're supplementing my mood stabilizer with this for the depression aspect.
Addendum: another reason we started the Wellbutrin was because of my low affect--it has a little perk (not weird) quality that helps things along.
Why I stopped after 3. Wish I was better expressing myself like you are. I feel ya.
AND...writing about it is great. Thank you for writing.
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