To Us Mommies

Everyone's shoes are uncomfortable to them.We talk about walking in others' shoes, as if that will gain us perspective. As if, somehow, saying that will magically endow us with the wisdom we need to not judge why a person behaves or struggles in the way that they do. I think about this a lot when I observe other mothers around me.... especially young mothers.... especially beautiful and SKINNY young mothers. *grumble*

I look at them and often justify my envy with thoughts of "I bet her kids are total brats" or "She must've spent hours on her hair as her children drank water from a toilet" or "She's probably never had a difficult day in her life and undoubtedly lacks any heroic character" or "I'm a better singer." (That last one is my kindergarten-approach for when I'm in the worst of it).

I know. I'm an awful person.

Thing is - even if you get to know one of these people, and they share with you the things that they struggle with, you can still envy them and think, oh yeah? Well MY life is STILL harder!

Ok, just me?

Well, this is embarrassing.

Anyway - I have found that one of the most wonderful things in the blog-world is the reconnection I've made with many past friends. And my favorites are the young mommies like me. Sometimes, they post about their wonderful lives and their beautiful children, and I think to myself, "Oh! They deserve that! I love them. How wonderful." Sometimes, they post about their wonderful lives and their beautiful children, and I think, "Good for you, you jerk. I'm so happy for you in your magical kingdom of perfection. Blah, Blah, Blah." Sometimes, they post about their not-so-wonderful lives and their incorrigible children and I think, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Here's a truly empathetic hug." Sometimes, they post about their not-so-wonderful lives and their incorrigible children and I think, "Ha HA! That ain't nuthin', lady!"

Again, I suck. We've covered this.

Interestingly enough, it seems to come in waves, I've found.... where many of us are in our happy peaks at the same times, and then we all drop to the bottom of despair at the same time. Since right now seems to be one of those "*sigh* Boy, oh boy... I'm over this" times, I would like to shut up and allow someone else to remind us of what it is we're doing and why we do it and how we're all on the same team. Team Bringing-Up-God's-Children.

Take it away, Elder Ballard.

Daughters of God

Can't Take It

This is why I can't watch the news. Maybe that's a terrible thing, but it's just too painful.

It's one thing to hear about the size of the earthquake. I grew up in Southern California. I know what those numbers mean... what they feel like. When I was 11 or 12, we had both a 6.5 and 7.3 from two different fault lines within a few hours of each other. But we live in a place where you can't buy a home without it first being checked for foundation rollers. It was a scary ride. I think we lost some china... but that was about it.

It's another thing to see pictures of the damage. Such a mess.

And it's even horrific to hear about the deaths and the rioting and the overall chaos. Humanity... it struggles. I don't judge them, because I can't possibly comprehend what's in their heads and hearts right now.

And while I can look at these things with sorrow in my heart, feeling incredibly guilty for my own lack of gratitude for the blessed life I lead, there is something that is just too hard for me. So hard that I have actually found myself sobbing to the point of my body convulsing. I have to shut the door, so Malia doesn't see.

Maybe I'm weak. I know I'm selfish.

But I just can't take the pictures and videos of the children. I CAN'T TAKE IT!!! Dear God, I know You exist, and I know that You're there and I don't question Your presence and Your hand, doing all that You, in Your infinite wisdom, know that You can do...

... but how hard must it be to watch?! To be able to see everything from Your omniscient vantage point? To see all of Your children suffer? And especially the sweet babies. Oh, the little babies...

I just stumbled across (I don't look for these things, mind you... every time an article or video says something about the children, I have to avoid it), but within a story about a news anchor returning to Haiti, they showed a small toddler who's mother was dead, who got very confused and upset every time she saw a female and I.... guh. My HEART! It HURTS!!!

.... man, I am selfish. I have more than I need.

Dear God. Help me to change my heart. Help me to remember that I never TRULY have want.

Help me know how to help.

A Decade's Defining Moments

2000

*Worked my first "real job" as a checker in a grocery store (totally fun job, by the way) while living with my brother, his wife, & kids, as I attempted to get out of debt.

*Spent a 2nd (and much happier) summer at the Playmill. This time without my sister (that part wasn't happy... but she did come visit me). :)

*Sent a missionary off to Brazil.

*Began my first semester at BYU and in the MDT program (on scholarship, THANK the heavens above)!

*Auditioned for and got cast as a performer for the not-yet-opened Universal Studios in Osaka, Japan.

2001

*Started my 1-year-long (oy!) contract with USJ. Worked 5 shows a day, 5 days a week as the Bride of Frankenstein. Avoided seafood like the plague. Learned very little Japanese. Spent far too much money. Realized that the Japanese may seem like subtle people, but the fans are DIE-HARD! Made some of the greatest friends and associates ever.

*Met my new best friend and the love-of-my-life, and Dear John-ed (sort of... not really... we had an understanding, ok?) the missionary.

*Debated whether or not to serve the mission I had always planned on serving since I was 8-years-old. Filled out my re-application to BYU instead.

*Wrote out a check to fully pay for a brand new car! It was crazy. (Note to self: Even though it may seem cool at the moment to drive a car off of the lot with only 11 miles on it... you're going to bang the front fender on a pole in a SLC parking garage 2 weeks later. Just remember that...).

2002

*Came back to Utah and BYU.

*Started doing some side jobs of music directing and choreographing for the occasional paycheck as well as performing in community theatre productions (Annie Get Your Gun & Children of Eden).

*Got engaged and then married for time and all eternity to my Davey in the San Diego temple.

*Went through the temple (besides baptisms) for the first time.

*Took on, as teacher, 4 choirs and 2 general education courses at Lehi High School in order to help pay for the husband's tuition.


2003

*Finished out the year teaching high school. Took advanced showchoir to competition in California and got the program out of some pretty bad debt.

*My baby sister got married in San Diego.

*Choreographed, music directed and performed in 2 more productions (Once On This Island & Smokey Joe's Cafe').

*David decided to try to get into Graduate School for Acoustics at BYU, thus, adding a minor in physics to his studies for his Bachelor's (in Japanese). He graduated with his undergraduate degree in the spring.

2004

*School, school, school. All we did is school

*Oh, and we threw a show or two in there. (Swing! and Damn Yankees)

2005


*Graduated with a BFA in Music Dance Theatre from BYU!!!

*Got 2 job offers while in NYC with graduating class, but turned them down...

*... because I was pregnant!

*Did 3 shows this year. My first without Davey since we'd been married (Seussical). One show with Davey, and I was pregnant as can be (Crazy For You). And one behind-the-scenes only as the music director (Aida).

*Gave birth to our first and incredibly beautiful child, Malia Renee'.

2006

*My maternal grandmother, Letha Romney Swenson, passed away after many years battling diabetes and dementia. We miss her.

*COLIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Tried to squeeze in a show for my sanity's sake (Fiddler on the Roof). Requested (and got, thankfully) the role of Fruma Sarah so that I could go home at intermission for much-needed sleep.

*David graduated with a Graduate Degree in Physics.

*Moved to Southern California for Davey's job.

*Malia turned 1!


2007

*Adjusted to being a Californian again. Bought Disneyland annual passes and made being a stay-at-home 10 times more fun.

*Davey got to go to Blizz-Con. He couldn't care less about Disneyland.

*BOUGHT A HOUSE???!!!?!?!?!?!!

*Malia turned 2!


2008*Preggers with baby #2 (find out the normal way).

*Welcomed a new niece, Vienna, into the world.

*Dave's brother, Tyler, got married in Seattle, WA.

*Older sister Cindy got married in the SLC temple.

*Went to a few auditions. Constantly got disappointed by the fact that, other than in Utah, Sundays are a big day for performances. Joined in Wannabe Wicked competition "just 'cause."

*Malia turned 3!

*Cecily Jeanette was born. Fell madly in love with her instantly.

2009


*Diagnosed with Post-partum depression. Woo-freaking-hoo.

*Put Malia in dance classes and pre-school. Tried to determine if there was some way to slow this growing-up thing waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down.

*Dave's brother, Derek, got married in the Bountiful, UT temple.

*My baby sister and her husband are blessed with their first beautiful child through the amazing process of adoption!

*Cecily turned 1 and Malia turned 4!

BRING IT ON, NEW DECADE!

.... but stay away, wrinkles and weight...