Abandonment

This is my Easter blog. I know the title leads you to think, “Are you kidding me?! How morbid is that?!” But, trust me; it’s just a means to an end….

Now, this is going to get kind of deep, so if any of you hate spiritual topics or have a tendency to depress easily or just think I’m always too long-winded (which is quite possibly true) - I’d stop reading now. For the rest of you, carry on.

What does the Atonement mean to me?

Well – the answer to this question has changed at different points in my life. But I want to talk about what it has meant since Malia was born. Most of you are aware (because I talk about it too much) that Malia had colic for the first 6 months of her life. Ok. Wait. She didn’t just have colic. She had severe colic. The kind of colic that had the pediatrician patting me on the head and hugging me whenever we visited. The “screaming-24-7-never-sleeps-more-then-1/2-an-hour-even-at-night-won’t-somebody-muzzle-this-child” kind of colic.

Now, I am the first to admit, at the very least, she was an otherwise healthy, gorgeous child. Other then a brief bout with jaundice at the start, she was perfection. She had all her extremities, senses, and never spent a single night in the NICU. However, lest those who’ve experienced even 5 minutes of colic will disagree, I will say… it was THE hardest period in my life.

As proof of that superlative, I am now going to expose one of the weakest moments in my life. This is an excerpt of a journal entry from when Malia was about 4 months old (it has actually even been edited to protect me from, well, myself):

“I’m at the end of my rope. I haven’t slept in so long. I’ll be honest. I feel as if God has completely abandoned me... I have tried over and over again to practice faith in Him. I am doing everything on my own that I possibly can to help my child – and begging and pleading for Him to fill in the holes. But He refuses. I don’t know why. I am in so much emotional pain and my spirit has never been this weak… ever! ... Why does God just sit back?! I have been told a ridiculous number of times that I should trust my intuition, i.e., God’s inspiration, but I have none!"

What does this have to do with Easter?

When Jesus Christ walked on this earth, He knew things. What I mean is that the veil was so thin, if not even completely gone, for Him. However - there was one time He didn’t have that access… and it was the time He needed it the most. In Gethsemane, He suffered, He sobbed, and He was wracked with pain. You tell me that if there wasn’t one time the Savior desperately needed His Father, it was then. The irony? It was the one time Heavenly Father had to leave Him to Himself. But did the Savior ever accuse the Lord of abandoning Him? No. Of course not. The answer to that is obvious, right? So why is it we, having to suffer only a fraction of that, subject the Lord to such complaints and accusations when life is hard?

Now, we are only human, and I’ve had to remind myself many times since those dark nights, that I am imperfect. In dealing with the repentance process over some of the things I said to the Lord in those trying times, I have had to teach myself to be a little kinder to me…. to realize the Lord knows I was very tired and… well, very tired.

But now I want to speak as the parent, and no longer as the child. Instead of seeing God as my Father and feeling as if I’m a disobedient daughter, I want to talk about Him as a parent and what I can learn about Him now that I’m a parent. Malia is only 2, but I have already experienced those moments when I need to step back and let her make choices and grow and experience.

When she did have colic, the hardest part wasn’t the screaming itself… it was the fact that I could do absolutely. nothing. about it.

How hard must it’ve been when the Savior asked His Father to let the cup pass? And the Father had to sit back and allow things to happen to His own Son that we can’t even imagine? How hard was it for the Savior, who must’ve felt so abandoned? But, even more so, how hard must it have been for the Father to have to watch, in silence?

This Easter, remember all your blessings, and when trials arise, acknowledge that the Savior's death and resurrection are a perfect example of how He can empathize with those feelings. Remember that the Father is not abandoning you. He wants nothing more then to come to you, kiss it better, and send you on your merry way. However, He knows what’s best. He knows that suffering is a part of it. For as He watches you, He suffers too.

Be grateful He knows better.