I decided not to go.
So many of you were incredibly encouraging and there was even the occasional ego boost (thanks for that). Up until Sunday morning, which was the day of the audition, I still had no idea what I was going to do. I was even trying to figure out how to schedule in signing in, then driving back for Church, then putting Malia down for a nap and preparing & popping food in the fridge for David & Malia for dinner, and then heading back, hoping by then they'd be through with Equity auditions and starting in on Non-Equity.
Here's the beauty of Sundays:
Going to Church, I sat through a fairly average testimony meeting. However, amid the droning on of "story-monies" & "lecture-monies," there was a certain girl; someone I didn't know (we've only been in the ward for 2 months... gimme a break). She bore her testimony about the blessing the Church has been in her life as a member (she's just shy of a year... a convert at age 19). That is something those of us who've been members all our life take for granted. I mean, I have never been without the gospel. My "rebellious" phase consisted of a 2 month period during a summer where I watched a few R-rated movies and said a couple of swear words beyond my normal few... scandalous, I know. But it wasn't even her appreciation of the Gospel so much as it was her simple attitude of gratitude in general.
I am grateful God has given me the talents that I have. And I am even more grateful I receive the occasional validation of those talents. But the brief happiness I get from praise, applause, and the rare monetary compensation is nothing compared to the quiet joy I feel when Malia says, "Miss you" when I was only gone for 45 seconds to use the bathroom. Or those moments when Malia is in bed and I bring out chocolate chip cookies for David and he gives me the first real smile I've seen since he came home from a grueling work day.
A simple attitude of gratitude... especially for the simple things in life.
I am, by no means, ever going to be a "star." I have to accept this, graciously... and be okay with this. And count my multitude of other blessings. Yes, admittedly, that "what if" will be lingering, probably for the rest of my life. And in another year or two, I'll face the same dilemma, over and over again. But, ultimately, it's about perspective. And I know Heavenly Father couldn't care less if I ever pursued my professional performing dreams again. But He will care big time if I was there the night Malia had the flu and needed her Mommy more then anything. Or the night that David comes home after one of those days when he's just had it, and needs his companion to buoy him up. If my nights were, instead, filled with adoring fans and adulating applause, then the people who I'm most important to would lose out... just so I could have a few months of "what I want."
I don't want that.
Admittedly, I'll probably be looking for another opportunity like this in a year or so, but at least now I have this blog to refer back to & remind myself. Hopefully it will suffice enough to succor the craving.
...PLUS, David & I were just extended a calling that would kill David off if I wasn't going to be there 100% to perform it with him...
03 March 2008
29 February 2008
ABCs: Taylor tagged me....
A: Attached or single: Very attached... for eternity, pretty much.
B: Best Friend: Well, my husband, of course. And Malia, because we play with each other every day! And my sisters, of course; even when they tick me off. Sisters are kind of the best friends God forces on you.
C: Cake or Pie: Hm. That's a toughie. I'm guessing pie, because I could always eat pie. I kind of have to be in the mood to eat cake.
D: Day of Choice: Saturday because it's the weekend and Davey is home with us! I'd pick Sunday except Monday comes after Sunday and the anticipation alone kills the day.
E: Essential Item: Diaper bag.
F: Favorite Color: Purple
G: Gummi Bears or Worms: Gummi worms, totally.
H: Hometown: Apple Valley, CA
I: Indulgence(s): Shopping, chocolate, and french fries (oh, I always want fries)!
J: January or July: Now that I live in CA again, it's hard to say. July can almost be TOO hot, but January can sometimes be grey for too long. Meh. I hate 'em both. /shrug
K: Kids: What about them? I have 2. A beautiful girl, Malia, who's 2. And a handsome boy, David.... who's 29.
L: Life is incomplete without: the Atonement (didn't mean to be preachy or anything, but hey, it's true).
M: Marriage Date: June 15th, 2002 (going on 6 years soon)!
N: Number of Siblings: 2 older brothers, an older sister, and a younger sister. Yeah, I know, it explains a lot. I'm the poster child for middle child issues.
O: Oranges or Apples: Oranges
P: Phobias or Fears: I have a terribly debilitating and paralyzing fear of being alone in the dark. It's faded a little since having a child who I sometimes have to check on in the dark.... necessity trumps my self-absorbed fear. But I hate the dark.
Q: Quote(s): "Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." C.S. Lewis. Love him.
R: Reason To Smile: Life
S: Season: Spring or Fall, for similar reasons
T: Tag Six: Ugh. I hate this part. 6? Really? Um, ok. Liz Johnson, Shannon Winkel, Lisa Badal, Chrissy Dix, Amy Shreeve, and.... Stephanie Jerdon. Sorry girls. DO IT!!!
U: Unknown Fact about Me: I am incredibly sensitive. I can cry really easily... and usually do. Along with this I get a little paranoid about what people think of me (you'd probably never guess that, with how often I act like a complete lunatic...)
V: Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: Oppressor, with no apologies.
W: Worst Habit: Procrastination
X: X-Rays or Ultrasounds: Never had an X-ray.... and ultrasounds are fun cause you get to see your baby! Except internal ultrasounds... but that's a whole 'nother blog.
Y: Your Favorite Food: I hate this question. I refuse to answer it.
Z: Zodiac: Leo
B: Best Friend: Well, my husband, of course. And Malia, because we play with each other every day! And my sisters, of course; even when they tick me off. Sisters are kind of the best friends God forces on you.
C: Cake or Pie: Hm. That's a toughie. I'm guessing pie, because I could always eat pie. I kind of have to be in the mood to eat cake.
D: Day of Choice: Saturday because it's the weekend and Davey is home with us! I'd pick Sunday except Monday comes after Sunday and the anticipation alone kills the day.
E: Essential Item: Diaper bag.
F: Favorite Color: Purple
G: Gummi Bears or Worms: Gummi worms, totally.
H: Hometown: Apple Valley, CA
I: Indulgence(s): Shopping, chocolate, and french fries (oh, I always want fries)!
J: January or July: Now that I live in CA again, it's hard to say. July can almost be TOO hot, but January can sometimes be grey for too long. Meh. I hate 'em both. /shrug
K: Kids: What about them? I have 2. A beautiful girl, Malia, who's 2. And a handsome boy, David.... who's 29.
L: Life is incomplete without: the Atonement (didn't mean to be preachy or anything, but hey, it's true).
M: Marriage Date: June 15th, 2002 (going on 6 years soon)!
N: Number of Siblings: 2 older brothers, an older sister, and a younger sister. Yeah, I know, it explains a lot. I'm the poster child for middle child issues.
O: Oranges or Apples: Oranges
P: Phobias or Fears: I have a terribly debilitating and paralyzing fear of being alone in the dark. It's faded a little since having a child who I sometimes have to check on in the dark.... necessity trumps my self-absorbed fear. But I hate the dark.
Q: Quote(s): "Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." C.S. Lewis. Love him.
R: Reason To Smile: Life
S: Season: Spring or Fall, for similar reasons
T: Tag Six: Ugh. I hate this part. 6? Really? Um, ok. Liz Johnson, Shannon Winkel, Lisa Badal, Chrissy Dix, Amy Shreeve, and.... Stephanie Jerdon. Sorry girls. DO IT!!!
U: Unknown Fact about Me: I am incredibly sensitive. I can cry really easily... and usually do. Along with this I get a little paranoid about what people think of me (you'd probably never guess that, with how often I act like a complete lunatic...)
V: Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animal: Oppressor, with no apologies.
W: Worst Habit: Procrastination
X: X-Rays or Ultrasounds: Never had an X-ray.... and ultrasounds are fun cause you get to see your baby! Except internal ultrasounds... but that's a whole 'nother blog.
Y: Your Favorite Food: I hate this question. I refuse to answer it.
Z: Zodiac: Leo
25 February 2008
I'm aware that it's ultimately my decision...
... but I always like to get advice from the fam & friends, 'cause lots of times you're just smarter then me.
Most of you know (in fact, with my blabber mouth, it'll be a miracle if any of you DON'T), that I got really close to being offered my dream job/role a little over a year ago. But for those of you who haven't heard about it (again, that would be miraculous), it's STORY TIME!
On a whim, after driving for 3 hours through paralyzed traffic on the 101 in the heart of L.A., a drive that usually only took 1/2 an hour from my house, with a restless 10-month-old fussing in her carseat, I auditioned for what was going to be a brand new production of "Wicked" opening in L.A. I simply walked into the audition, exhausted and irritated... and it didn't help that I could hear my child, who was dealing with severe separation anxiety after the move to California, screaming outside while my sister tried to soothe her. I was in a terrible frame of mind and expected nothing more from the audition then a fun little experience. I sang my piece, and as I was fully prepared to smile, say "thank you," and head on my merry way, the casting director asked me if I knew any songs from the show. At that point, I proceeded to sing 3 more songs in a span of about 10 minutes.
He then asked me if I'd be available for a callback the next day for the part of the Elphaba understudy (the leads had already been cast long before the auditions). In complete shock, I stuttered through an explanation of being a stay-at-home mom to a child bound by a strict sleep schedule and a husband who worked 9 to 5. He said "fair enough" and called his assistant in. "See this girl?" he said to his assistant, referring to me. "She is a mommy with a tight schedule and a busy husband. I need you to take her outside and find whatever time possible that she could squeeze us in tomorrow."
Whoa.
Well, long story short (too late), I showed up at a callback the next morning. There I was, standing in front of a world-famous casting director, the musical director, and the director. At one point, the music director said to me, "All I want to hear on this song is sheer volume. Just do your best to fill the space with as much sound as you can."
Are you freaking kidding me?! Could this be any more perfect for me?
After my callback, which I felt went surprisingly well, the casting director asked me to wait outside. After a few minutes, he pulled me aside and asked me to come back AGAIN. He wanted me to come back the next day to see how well I could move at the dance auditions and to have the producers take a look at me. I could not believe any of this! Well, turned out I had a very important wedding to attend to the next day. I can't go into too much detail, but I felt very strongly that I just couldn't make too many sacrifices at this point. After I said I couldn't make it, he looked me dead in the eye, and asked me about 1/2 a dozen times, "are you sure?" I let him know.... I was sure.... "I think." He said, "Ok. We have your number then."
And that was that. Never heard from them again.
Didn't help that I later realized I hadn't updated my resume and that the phone number I'd listed was from out-of-state before the move, and was no longer mine.
I cried about it once or twice (or 50 times), but eventually came to peace with myself knowing it would have been nearly impossible what with the commute and also that, even though I would be with Malia all day, once her daddy got home, I'd have to jet... and we'd never be together as a complete family.
So, blah, blah, blah.
They're holding auditions in a week. Same bat show. Same bat place.
Do I go?
Do I deal, AGAIN, with possibly facing the decision of sacrificing our simple, humble, totally broke, yet beautiful current circumstances, for a blip of doing what I thought I always wanted? Motherhood is the greatest blessing in the world, and while I wouldn't be giving it up, I'd definitely be putting a strain on things.
.... help...
Most of you know (in fact, with my blabber mouth, it'll be a miracle if any of you DON'T), that I got really close to being offered my dream job/role a little over a year ago. But for those of you who haven't heard about it (again, that would be miraculous), it's STORY TIME!
On a whim, after driving for 3 hours through paralyzed traffic on the 101 in the heart of L.A., a drive that usually only took 1/2 an hour from my house, with a restless 10-month-old fussing in her carseat, I auditioned for what was going to be a brand new production of "Wicked" opening in L.A. I simply walked into the audition, exhausted and irritated... and it didn't help that I could hear my child, who was dealing with severe separation anxiety after the move to California, screaming outside while my sister tried to soothe her. I was in a terrible frame of mind and expected nothing more from the audition then a fun little experience. I sang my piece, and as I was fully prepared to smile, say "thank you," and head on my merry way, the casting director asked me if I knew any songs from the show. At that point, I proceeded to sing 3 more songs in a span of about 10 minutes.
He then asked me if I'd be available for a callback the next day for the part of the Elphaba understudy (the leads had already been cast long before the auditions). In complete shock, I stuttered through an explanation of being a stay-at-home mom to a child bound by a strict sleep schedule and a husband who worked 9 to 5. He said "fair enough" and called his assistant in. "See this girl?" he said to his assistant, referring to me. "She is a mommy with a tight schedule and a busy husband. I need you to take her outside and find whatever time possible that she could squeeze us in tomorrow."
Whoa.
Well, long story short (too late), I showed up at a callback the next morning. There I was, standing in front of a world-famous casting director, the musical director, and the director. At one point, the music director said to me, "All I want to hear on this song is sheer volume. Just do your best to fill the space with as much sound as you can."
Are you freaking kidding me?! Could this be any more perfect for me?
After my callback, which I felt went surprisingly well, the casting director asked me to wait outside. After a few minutes, he pulled me aside and asked me to come back AGAIN. He wanted me to come back the next day to see how well I could move at the dance auditions and to have the producers take a look at me. I could not believe any of this! Well, turned out I had a very important wedding to attend to the next day. I can't go into too much detail, but I felt very strongly that I just couldn't make too many sacrifices at this point. After I said I couldn't make it, he looked me dead in the eye, and asked me about 1/2 a dozen times, "are you sure?" I let him know.... I was sure.... "I think." He said, "Ok. We have your number then."
And that was that. Never heard from them again.
Didn't help that I later realized I hadn't updated my resume and that the phone number I'd listed was from out-of-state before the move, and was no longer mine.
I cried about it once or twice (or 50 times), but eventually came to peace with myself knowing it would have been nearly impossible what with the commute and also that, even though I would be with Malia all day, once her daddy got home, I'd have to jet... and we'd never be together as a complete family.
So, blah, blah, blah.
They're holding auditions in a week. Same bat show. Same bat place.
Do I go?
Do I deal, AGAIN, with possibly facing the decision of sacrificing our simple, humble, totally broke, yet beautiful current circumstances, for a blip of doing what I thought I always wanted? Motherhood is the greatest blessing in the world, and while I wouldn't be giving it up, I'd definitely be putting a strain on things.
.... help...
12 February 2008
A Malia Update
Usually I try to gather my thoughts into a cohesive dissertation of some sort, but not today, my friends! Why, you ask? (or don't ask.... whatever). Because I have some random and delightful pictures of Malia that are due to be viewed (especially by her grandparents). Thus, in no particular order of importance (i.e. they're just chronological), here she is:
You know? Malia really is such a gentle and sweet spirit. She loves people, puppies, plants... just about everything. But just as I'm about to jump overboard with how often people tell me she looks like her father, she reminds us once again that she's my daughter too... by shouting loud demands at perfect strangers:
This is what happens when I enfringe upon her freedom by trying to get her to use the pedals:
You know? Malia really is such a gentle and sweet spirit. She loves people, puppies, plants... just about everything. But just as I'm about to jump overboard with how often people tell me she looks like her father, she reminds us once again that she's my daughter too... by shouting loud demands at perfect strangers:
We bought Malia a tricycle for her 2nd birthday. She even helped us pick it out. I was so excited for her to have a toy for playing outside and getting good exercise. I even envisioned myself getting some extra physical activity. And our new house is surrounded by a lovely greenbelt with sidewalks. Perfect for such playing! But she rides it like a Flintstone.... feet down, scooting along, ignoring the pedals completely.
This is what happens when I enfringe upon her freedom by trying to get her to use the pedals:
So, Malia has curly hair that is really difficult to manage, because it is also incredibly thick (not surprisingly, considering her genetic make-up). For the past month or so, I've been using a detangler to ease the situation. I noticed it was making her neck a bit red, but nothing too severe. Then, the other day, I used it on her hair when she was naked, and that evening, this is what happened to her legs after they'd been sprayed. So much for "Gentle on Baby."
Malia is wearing her dress that she got from Grandma April for Christmas after their trip to Mexico. And, yes. This is the EXACT face she makes EVERY time I tell her to "smile." And she is LITERALLY saying "cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!"
THIS shirt (below) came from Grandma Winkel (my mother). I took a picture of the shirt only because I wondered to myself if there was an element of brainwash in my family. I mean, does it really make Malia happy? Or is it something I will be forcing upon her with hours of tedious practice and lessons on weekends? I think the shirt would be more appropriate if it said, "Music WILL make me happy.... eventually.... or ELSE!"
07 February 2008
Good Intentions = Bad Girl
Have you ever known someone who is constantly trying to do the right thing, and it always ends up wrong? I mean, it's almost pathetic how this person overextends themself to be of service, or accepted, or admired, and they almost always foul things up for themselves in the process. These people just can't seem to get it right. But at the same time, it's as if no one knows this about that person. This individual can struggle 24-7 to do things out of the kindness of their heart, and, in the end, they usually end up doing what appears to be nothing but wrong.
Maybe some of you think you don't know a person like that. But, if you know me.... then you do.
Whenever people ask me to describe myself in one word, they usually smirk as if they know what the word will be. I guess they might be thinking, "Spaz" or "Goody-goody" or even "Eccentric." But I have always thought that there was one word that encapsulated my life struggles more then any other word out there.
"Misunderstood."
You know, this may seem a bit personal for a blog. It may be more of a diary-with-a-lock-that-I-stow-between-my-mattress-for-safe-keeping-&-self-insight type of entry. But there's a reason I'm putting this out there. The reason is this:
I have found in my life that I have hurt more people then I ever intended. How do I know this? Because I have hurt people, and I've intended to hurt zero. So, if you do the math, then it's there, plain as day. Characteristics of mine that are blatantly obvious are "loud" and "sarcastic" and "outgoing" and "need to be the center of attention." These things combined spell "D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R." But I have more subtle characteristics inside of me that are in constant juxtaposition to these. I am actually painfully shy at times and acutely aware of the needs of those around me. When all of these things combine, you get someone who uses her sarcasm and loudness to try to appease the spirits of her friends. I.E.? I usually hurt someone's feelings.
I hate this. I don't know how to fix this. All I know, is now that it's out there in the universe, maybe the universe'll send me a hint or a nudge.... something to help me fix it.
Until then, here's an infinite supply of "I'm sorry"s being thrown out to all of you for the next million times I am intending to show you love, and I flub it up somehow.
/sigh
Maybe some of you think you don't know a person like that. But, if you know me.... then you do.
Whenever people ask me to describe myself in one word, they usually smirk as if they know what the word will be. I guess they might be thinking, "Spaz" or "Goody-goody" or even "Eccentric." But I have always thought that there was one word that encapsulated my life struggles more then any other word out there.
"Misunderstood."
You know, this may seem a bit personal for a blog. It may be more of a diary-with-a-lock-that-I-stow-between-my-mattress-for-safe-keeping-&-self-insight type of entry. But there's a reason I'm putting this out there. The reason is this:
I have found in my life that I have hurt more people then I ever intended. How do I know this? Because I have hurt people, and I've intended to hurt zero. So, if you do the math, then it's there, plain as day. Characteristics of mine that are blatantly obvious are "loud" and "sarcastic" and "outgoing" and "need to be the center of attention." These things combined spell "D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R." But I have more subtle characteristics inside of me that are in constant juxtaposition to these. I am actually painfully shy at times and acutely aware of the needs of those around me. When all of these things combine, you get someone who uses her sarcasm and loudness to try to appease the spirits of her friends. I.E.? I usually hurt someone's feelings.
I hate this. I don't know how to fix this. All I know, is now that it's out there in the universe, maybe the universe'll send me a hint or a nudge.... something to help me fix it.
Until then, here's an infinite supply of "I'm sorry"s being thrown out to all of you for the next million times I am intending to show you love, and I flub it up somehow.
/sigh
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