A Decision Made With His Aide

*Ha ha. I just realized my title rhymes.

I enjoy taking Malia to her dance class every Saturday morning for two reasons: the obvious, being that I love watching my adorable daughter run around in a tutu. The other is the fact that I get to enjoy adult conversation with the other moms. These women, although, come to think of it, I probably don't know any of their last names, have become a welcome social aspect of my week. We come from all different walks of life. Of the 5 of us who generally dominate the conversation, 2 of us are Caucasian, 1 is Hispanic, 1 is African American, and the other is Indian. 3 of them attend a popular Christian Church in the area. The other is an ex-Hindu who now claims to be agnostic. And I, of course, am LDS.

Aside from that, the other thing that I am also alone in is being a stay-at-home mom.

We talk about this a lot. Aside from "the agnostic" who absolutely loves her job, we all want to stay home with our kids, but I am the only one who claims to be able to make it work financially. ("making it work" is obviously a subjective perspective, of course).

A few weeks ago, we were talking about our career paths, and when it came to my "back story," the women seemed a little skeptical. I could sense they weren't quite sure a person would choose staying home over understudying the lead in a hit Broadway show in L.A. It also didn't help that I weigh (fill-in-the-blank) lbs. more now than I did at the peak of my performing age. And it also doesn't help that you're lucky if I even get out with any chap stick on, more or less, looking anything glamorous, to say the least.

People with talent... I should say, people with the talent to perform (everyone has talent of some kind), generally look a certain way, I've found. They usually keep up with the fashion trends; stay in good shape; overall, they keep their outward appearances appealing to the eye of a possible audience. Needless to say, on my average day, I just don't look the part.

But that's not the point of all of this (someday I will learn to mince less words... no I won't. Who am I kidding)?!

Last week, after a month of their prodding, I finally sang for them a small little ditty. And yes, it does feel weird to sing in intimate settings in front of a small group of friends. I much prefer a stage in front of thousands... that's normal, I promise.

They sat quietly for a minute and then one of them said, "Wow. I didn't expect you to be that good."

I was embarrassed, but pleasantly flattered.

Then another said, "Seriously. Why aren't you out there trying to get rich and famous? Your kids will understand someday. You don't want to sacrifice all that. I'm sure there's a way you can do both. "

I told them I knew I was doing what was best for my girls and that I was in the right place for me right now.

But, let me tell you - as often as I feel a little bummed once in a while about the supposed "sacrifice" I'm making to be home with my girls, I am grateful 1,000,000,000,000 times over that I have been blessed with the peace of mind knowing I am doing what's right for my babies. I don't credit myself with that... I don't profess to be some awesome woman who is totally at peace with her decisions. Not at all.

I credit God entirely. It's almost as if He has given some sort of shield to my heart so that, at those moments when certain questions arise again and again (as they always do), I am always overwhelmed with the peace I feel for making the decisions I've made up to this point. I thank God He has blessed me with that, because there ain't no way I'd be able to trudge through this without His calming influence.

Thanks for that , God.

Oh, and P.S. Thanks for these guys.

Vote for Me!

So, I didn't realize that they were doing this, but I guess they'll also be having a "fan favorite" for this Wicked competition dealy-o I'm in. I don't now too much about the details... just that voting is on the 13th... er, something. I stumbled across it when an old teacher of mine e-mailed it to me.

http://www.citywalkhollywood.com/Wicked

So, maybe check back at that website on the 13th (tomorrow)? I figure that winning the whole competition may be difficult what with me being all engorged with pregnancy and stuff. So maybe if I could get this as a consolation prize, it'll make me feel ok. At the LIVE competition, I had the fewest people screaming for me as most of my competitors had brought their entire hometowns - or so it seemed. The contest itself isn't a popularity contest, thank heavens (I just brought my husband and Malia and my friend Jean showed up cause she rocks).

Anywho - maybe go to the website tomorrow and check out the situation. (and vote for me even though I just said, "Anywho").

Gonna be in CA next week?

So, I'm scheduled to perform on July 9th at Citywalk by Universal Studios Hollywood at 7 PM (well, the contest starts at 7.... who knows when I'll be singing).

So if you're bored and it's not too far of a drive, I'd love any & all support!

Wannabe Wicked?

So, about a month and a 1/2 ago, my friend Jean sent me this random e-mail with news about different "Wicked" goings-on in L.A. (Stephen Schwartz getting a star, new performance dates, etc). She knew my whole deal with the audition process a little over a year ago and so she's just cute like that sometimes. :)

On part of the newsletter, there was an announcement for a video contest called "Wannabe Wicked." Basically, you had to send in a tape of yourself singing a portion of 1 of the 5 songs they had listed from the show. They would then choose semi-finalists from those videos. If you are chosen as a semi-finalist, then you will sing on 1 of 5 semi-final nights at the Citywalk of Universal Studios Hollywood. If you are THEN chosen as a finalist, then there is one more night of competition and the winner of that wins a one-night-only walk-on role in the actual show. Sounded fun. And the possibility was a lot more promising then the whole "leaving-my-child-and-husband-behind-to-pursue-my-dreams-just-because-I-can" thing that I considered with the show before. What's one night, right?


Well... I sent in a video just because I already had one of me singing "Wizard & I" from a high school choir reunion a few years back. Yesterday, while I was editing my profile on the competition site, I saw that I'd been chosen as a semi-finalist! How fun for me. If nothing else comes of it, at least I will get one silly little night to belt it out like a diva for someone other then Malia... albeit as a pregnant and awkward diva. And who knows if anything will come of it. But, best-case-scenario, maybe I'll have a contest on my blog for the last 2 tickets of the free 10 for the show that I'd receive if I actually won this thing. (I probably just jinxed myself even just by saying that... oh well). Like I said, the pregnancy thing won't help.

If nothing else... it should be fun. :)

(Below is the video I submitted)

Singing in the Shower

Ok.... so this may sound really strange, but I've never sung in the shower.

I've heard about it in various sitcoms, comedy acts, popular culture, etc. I've even had friends tell me about experiences they themselves have had while putting on recitals in the acoustical perfection of their bathrooms. But I've never done it.

Here's the thing: I grew up in a musical family. For anyone who knows us, that may seem like a bit of an understatement. My parents are both singers/musicians who put very possible successful careers on the backburner. They had 5 children, ALL of which sing and play a musical instrument... and ALL of which are quite good at it. When it comes to music, there is not an ounce of mediocrity in a single member of my immediate family. We even had a band that performed on all of the major holidays as well as at state & county fairs, local store grand openings, Church functions, and an occasional TV spot. This isn't a joke. We were like the Partridge Family (even better, in my opinion) and we're actually related. We even got paid for these "gigs" (imagine a 7-year-old turning down a birthday party because she had a "gig" with her family... I swear, it's true). Us kids never saw the money, but I'm told it was there.

I'm not just bragging. In fact, in some cases, quite the opposite. I mean, envision your typical sibling rivalries enhanced even more so by the fact that you all share the same talents and are all striving for success in the same area, which isn't going to happen, since we all know the business of the arts is more like a lottery then a true judgement of your ability.

Thus, why I never sang in the shower. When you have to hear your siblings sing and make a general musical ruckus all day long, a moment of peace & quiet in the shower was hard to come by... and very welcomed. Not to mention, I have no doubt I would have been royally mocked... especially if I was making an attempt to actually sing well in the shower. That's just the kind of loving family I have.

Admittedly, I've done a vocal warm-up here & there when I have somewhere to sing in the morning and time is limited. But no actual "singing."

Until today.

And let me tell you. The experience & acoustics are not over-rated.

I was awesome!

RE: "The Audition"

I decided not to go.

So many of you were incredibly encouraging and there was even the occasional ego boost (thanks for that). Up until Sunday morning, which was the day of the audition, I still had no idea what I was going to do. I was even trying to figure out how to schedule in signing in, then driving back for Church, then putting Malia down for a nap and preparing & popping food in the fridge for David & Malia for dinner, and then heading back, hoping by then they'd be through with Equity auditions and starting in on Non-Equity.

Here's the beauty of Sundays:

Going to Church, I sat through a fairly average testimony meeting. However, amid the droning on of "story-monies" & "lecture-monies," there was a certain girl; someone I didn't know (we've only been in the ward for 2 months... gimme a break). She bore her testimony about the blessing the Church has been in her life as a member (she's just shy of a year... a convert at age 19). That is something those of us who've been members all our life take for granted. I mean, I have never been without the gospel. My "rebellious" phase consisted of a 2 month period during a summer where I watched a few R-rated movies and said a couple of swear words beyond my normal few... scandalous, I know. But it wasn't even her appreciation of the Gospel so much as it was her simple attitude of gratitude in general.

I am grateful God has given me the talents that I have. And I am even more grateful I receive the occasional validation of those talents. But the brief happiness I get from praise, applause, and the rare monetary compensation is nothing compared to the quiet joy I feel when Malia says, "Miss you" when I was only gone for 45 seconds to use the bathroom. Or those moments when Malia is in bed and I bring out chocolate chip cookies for David and he gives me the first real smile I've seen since he came home from a grueling work day.

A simple attitude of gratitude... especially for the simple things in life.

I am, by no means, ever going to be a "star." I have to accept this, graciously... and be okay with this. And count my multitude of other blessings. Yes, admittedly, that "what if" will be lingering, probably for the rest of my life. And in another year or two, I'll face the same dilemma, over and over again. But, ultimately, it's about perspective. And I know Heavenly Father couldn't care less if I ever pursued my professional performing dreams again. But He will care big time if I was there the night Malia had the flu and needed her Mommy more then anything. Or the night that David comes home after one of those days when he's just had it, and needs his companion to buoy him up. If my nights were, instead, filled with adoring fans and adulating applause, then the people who I'm most important to would lose out... just so I could have a few months of "what I want."

I don't want that.

Admittedly, I'll probably be looking for another opportunity like this in a year or so, but at least now I have this blog to refer back to & remind myself. Hopefully it will suffice enough to succor the craving.

...PLUS, David & I were just extended a calling that would kill David off if I wasn't going to be there 100% to perform it with him...

I'm aware that it's ultimately my decision...

... but I always like to get advice from the fam & friends, 'cause lots of times you're just smarter then me.

Most of you know (in fact, with my blabber mouth, it'll be a miracle if any of you DON'T), that I got really close to being offered my dream job/role a little over a year ago. But for those of you who haven't heard about it (again, that would be miraculous), it's STORY TIME!


On a whim, after driving for 3 hours through paralyzed traffic on the 101 in the heart of L.A., a drive that usually only took 1/2 an hour from my house, with a restless 10-month-old fussing in her carseat, I auditioned for what was going to be a brand new production of "Wicked" opening in L.A. I simply walked into the audition, exhausted and irritated... and it didn't help that I could hear my child, who was dealing with severe separation anxiety after the move to California, screaming outside while my sister tried to soothe her. I was in a terrible frame of mind and expected nothing more from the audition then a fun little experience. I sang my piece, and as I was fully prepared to smile, say "thank you," and head on my merry way, the casting director asked me if I knew any songs from the show. At that point, I proceeded to sing 3 more songs in a span of about 10 minutes.

He then asked me if I'd be available for a callback the next day for the part of the Elphaba understudy (the leads had already been cast long before the auditions). In complete shock, I stuttered through an explanation of being a stay-at-home mom to a child bound by a strict sleep schedule and a husband who worked 9 to 5. He said "fair enough" and called his assistant in. "See this girl?" he said to his assistant, referring to me. "She is a mommy with a tight schedule and a busy husband. I need you to take her outside and find whatever time possible that she could squeeze us in tomorrow."

Whoa.

Well, long story short (too late), I showed up at a callback the next morning. There I was, standing in front of a world-famous casting director, the musical director, and the director. At one point, the music director said to me, "All I want to hear on this song is sheer volume. Just do your best to fill the space with as much sound as you can."

Are you freaking kidding me?! Could this be any more perfect for me?

After my callback, which I felt went surprisingly well, the casting director asked me to wait outside. After a few minutes, he pulled me aside and asked me to come back AGAIN. He wanted me to come back the next day to see how well I could move at the dance auditions and to have the producers take a look at me. I could not believe any of this! Well, turned out I had a very important wedding to attend to the next day. I can't go into too much detail, but I felt very strongly that I just couldn't make too many sacrifices at this point. After I said I couldn't make it, he looked me dead in the eye, and asked me about 1/2 a dozen times, "are you sure?" I let him know.... I was sure.... "I think." He said, "Ok. We have your number then."

And that was that. Never heard from them again.

Didn't help that I later realized I hadn't updated my resume and that the phone number I'd listed was from out-of-state before the move, and was no longer mine.

I cried about it once or twice (or 50 times), but eventually came to peace with myself knowing it would have been nearly impossible what with the commute and also that, even though I would be with Malia all day, once her daddy got home, I'd have to jet... and we'd never be together as a complete family.

So, blah, blah, blah.

They're holding auditions in a week. Same bat show. Same bat place.

Do I go?

Do I deal, AGAIN, with possibly facing the decision of sacrificing our simple, humble, totally broke, yet beautiful current circumstances, for a blip of doing what I thought I always wanted? Motherhood is the greatest blessing in the world, and while I wouldn't be giving it up, I'd definitely be putting a strain on things.

.... help...