RE: "The Audition"

I decided not to go.

So many of you were incredibly encouraging and there was even the occasional ego boost (thanks for that). Up until Sunday morning, which was the day of the audition, I still had no idea what I was going to do. I was even trying to figure out how to schedule in signing in, then driving back for Church, then putting Malia down for a nap and preparing & popping food in the fridge for David & Malia for dinner, and then heading back, hoping by then they'd be through with Equity auditions and starting in on Non-Equity.

Here's the beauty of Sundays:

Going to Church, I sat through a fairly average testimony meeting. However, amid the droning on of "story-monies" & "lecture-monies," there was a certain girl; someone I didn't know (we've only been in the ward for 2 months... gimme a break). She bore her testimony about the blessing the Church has been in her life as a member (she's just shy of a year... a convert at age 19). That is something those of us who've been members all our life take for granted. I mean, I have never been without the gospel. My "rebellious" phase consisted of a 2 month period during a summer where I watched a few R-rated movies and said a couple of swear words beyond my normal few... scandalous, I know. But it wasn't even her appreciation of the Gospel so much as it was her simple attitude of gratitude in general.

I am grateful God has given me the talents that I have. And I am even more grateful I receive the occasional validation of those talents. But the brief happiness I get from praise, applause, and the rare monetary compensation is nothing compared to the quiet joy I feel when Malia says, "Miss you" when I was only gone for 45 seconds to use the bathroom. Or those moments when Malia is in bed and I bring out chocolate chip cookies for David and he gives me the first real smile I've seen since he came home from a grueling work day.

A simple attitude of gratitude... especially for the simple things in life.

I am, by no means, ever going to be a "star." I have to accept this, graciously... and be okay with this. And count my multitude of other blessings. Yes, admittedly, that "what if" will be lingering, probably for the rest of my life. And in another year or two, I'll face the same dilemma, over and over again. But, ultimately, it's about perspective. And I know Heavenly Father couldn't care less if I ever pursued my professional performing dreams again. But He will care big time if I was there the night Malia had the flu and needed her Mommy more then anything. Or the night that David comes home after one of those days when he's just had it, and needs his companion to buoy him up. If my nights were, instead, filled with adoring fans and adulating applause, then the people who I'm most important to would lose out... just so I could have a few months of "what I want."

I don't want that.

Admittedly, I'll probably be looking for another opportunity like this in a year or so, but at least now I have this blog to refer back to & remind myself. Hopefully it will suffice enough to succor the craving.

...PLUS, David & I were just extended a calling that would kill David off if I wasn't going to be there 100% to perform it with him...